


The Blood Inside of Me

by ohheykat



Category: The Prom - Sklar/Beguelin/Martin
Genre: Cancer, F/F, Trigger Warning: Needles
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-11
Updated: 2019-05-30
Packaged: 2020-03-01 00:50:00
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 15
Words: 27,304
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18789646
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ohheykat/pseuds/ohheykat
Summary: Life is perfect for Emma Nolan. She just started at her dream college, she's in love with the girl of her dreams, and for once in her life it feels like everything is going her way. That is until one day she comes down with what she thinks is the flu, and nothing is ever the same.





	1. Bruises and Fevers

“Baby, I seriously think you need to get those looked at,” Alyssa sighs as she traces patterns with her fingers on her girlfriend’s arm. “You fell like weeks ago.”  
Three weeks ago to be exact. It had been an accident, while the two of them were moving things into their dorm room at Columbia. Emma had decided to be the hero and move the mini fridge into their room all by herself, neglecting to realize she couldn’t see where she was going and promptly tripped over her own two feet. This had caused one of the girls firsts: the first call to Betsy about what the hell were they supposed to do about Emma’s bruised arm.  
She had said it would start to turn colors, specifically yellow in around two weeks and that was how they would know it was healing. Except, it hadn’t turned. It was still the deep purplish blue that it had been three weeks earlier, and now Alyssa was starting to get concerned. “‘Lys it’s fine. Besides, it’s nothing compared to the ones on my legs.”  
“The-- what?”  
Emma pulls up the leg of her sweatpants to reveal a large bruise, the same shade of the one on her arm. She pulls up the leg to reveal one nearly in the same spot, with smaller ones dancing around her thigh. “Em,” Alyssa gasps, barely touching one before seeing Emma wince. “How long have those been there?”  
“A couple weeks, I’m sure they came right after the fall I just didn’t notice.”  
Alyssa takes a deep breath before speaking again, worried she’ll show off just how anxious she is if she talks immediately. “I think we need to see the campus nur-”  
“I’m not going to the nurse,” Emma shakes her head. “I’m fine.”  
That “fine” state turned into a fever by the end of the week, when Alyssa came home from class and instead of finding her girlfriend she found a shivering lump on the bed. “Baby girl? What happened?”  
“I was really tired after I ate lunch, so I decided to take a nap. When my alarm went off for my class and I got up I got really dizzy, and I was so cold ‘Lys, like so, so cold.”  
Alyssa reaches her hand up to touch her forehead and recoils at the contact, finding it burning hot to the touch. “You’re burning up,” she sighs. “Let me get the thermometer. Do we even have any medicine?”  
“Grandma packed a bunch, I loaded it into the medicine cabinet already.”  
“Betsy is a saint,” she sighs out, going into the bathroom. “Baby is anything else wrong? Besides being dizzy and cold?”  
“No,” she calls back.  
“No aches or stuffy nose or anything?”  
“No.”  
“Okay.”  
Alyssa returns a moment later with some fever reducers and the thermometer. As she sticks it in Emma’s mouth she quickly gets up and grabs a Gatorade from the mini-fridge. Just as she returns the thermometer beeps, and she sighs at the numbers glaring back at her. “You’ve outdone yourself with that fever,” she mumbles. “Take some of this alright?”  
“What is it?”  
“102,” she sighs again, as Emma downs the medicine. “Why don’t you lie down and I’ll start cooking dinner? I can make some of that chicken and rice soup you love so much.”  
Emma nods as she already feels her eyes drooping, luring her into a fitful sleep.  
…  
When Alyssa wakes her up a little less than an hour later, the blond looks worse than she did before. Her eyes stay droopy all throughout dinner, and immediately after she tells Alyssa she’s going to go ahead and get ready for bed. “Can we cuddle?” her pitiful call comes from the bathroom just as she walks in to wash her face.  
“Of course baby,” Alyssa calls back, already situating the covers on the bed.  
“‘Lys!” she calls suddenly, her voice just anxious enough to make Alyssa jump a little.  
The brunette runs into the bathroom, finding Emma holding her nose and looking panicked. “What happened?” she asks, moving towards her.  
Emma moves her hand to reveal the blood dripping under it, and Alyssa gasps. She reacts quickly, grabbing some toilet tissue and holding it to her girlfriend’s nose, pinching the bridge of it. “Deep breaths honey,” she says softly, trying to calm both herself and Emma. “You’re going to be alright.”  
“I’m sorry,” Emma says, tears stinging at her eyes for the first time through the whole ordeal.  
“Hey, no no no,” Alyssa uses her free hand to move some hair that was sticking to her forehead with sweat. “You don’t need to apologize baby girl. You don’t feel well, I understand. Why don’t we wait for this to finish and then go to the campus nurse?”  
“Okay,” Emma says quietly, as Alyssa guides her back to her bed.  
When they’re sure her nose has stopped dripping, they make their way downstairs to the car. Alyssa rubs her arm as she drives, and by the time they reach the office Emma is nearly asleep. “C’mon honey,” she gently coaxes her into sitting up. “I called ahead and they said they aren’t too busy, but we gotta get in there fast.”  
Emma nods, leaning on her girlfriend as they make their way into the waiting room. Alyssa lets Emma sit down while she fills out her paperwork, sighing as the girl falls in and out of a fitful nap. By the time they finally get in there, her chills are back, and she sits shivering on the table as they check her vitals. Alyssa overs her the hoodie she’s wearing, it’s technically Emma’s anyhow. When the doctor actually checks her out, he doesn’t look happy with whatever he’s seeing. He pulls Alyssa outside to speak to her.  
“I think we need to get some tests done,” he sighs, nervously tapping his pen on the clipboard he’s holding. “I can fax her charts to the hospital right now if you’re okay with that? We don’t have the resources to figure this out right now, but something is wrong.”  
Alyssa feels panic rise in her chest, but she forces herself to push it back down as she nods. They walk back into the room and explain what is going on to Emma, who looks more fearful with each passing second. Alyssa holds her hand and assures her that everything is going to be alright, kissing her temple every time the doctor pauses.  
Soon enough, they climb back into the car and drive to the hospital. Apparently, the doctor had called in a few favors, so the girls only spent around ten minutes in the waiting room. After reviewing her charts, they immediately wanted to do blood tests, which Emma wasn’t a fan of. She nearly broke Alyssa’s hand when they poked the needle in, but it was over rather quickly.  
Nearly half an hour later, when Emma had fallen asleep curled up in Alyssa’s lap, the doctor came back in and told Alyssa that they were going to have to take a bone marrow test, which would be an even bigger needle. As Alyssa woke Emma up to tell her, she nearly had a total meltdown as she began to panic, screaming about how she couldn’t do it. “Please don’t make me ‘Lys, please,” she begged, sobbing as tears rolled down her face.  
It broke Alyssa’s heart as she watched the girl she loved begin to hyperventilate, shaking so badly she thought she was seizing. “Shh, baby it’ll be okay. They’re gonna give you some anesthesia and you aren’t even going to be able to feel it.”  
This calmed the blond for a moment, before learning that the anesthesia came in the form of a shot as well. She continued to sob, hiding her face in Alyssa’s shirt as the doctor brought it out. Alyssa rubbed her back as they gave it to her, and barely a minute later she couldn’t feel her leg. Emma refused to look up from her shirt, so she had no idea that they had already finished the bone marrow needle. “You did so good,” Alyssa cooed in her ear, kissing the top of her head. “Like so, so good. I’m so proud of you baby.”  
Emma finally relaxed as her girlfriend continuously kissed her head and rubbed her back, and it wasn’t long before she fell asleep. The doctor told them it would be a little while before the tests went through, and it was nearly an hour before he came back. It worried Alyssa when he told her to wake Emma up, normally doctors would just tell her what illness she had and hand her the prescription, leaving her to carry her girlfriend out and pick it up. That’s what had happened everytime she had gone to doctor’s appointments when Betsy couldn’t.  
Emma felt lightheaded as the doctor sighed, rubbing his temples in a way that made Alyssa’s heart begin to race worriedly. As he spoke his next sentence, she felt her girlfriend tense up, and she immediately tightened her grip. Tears began to pour down her face before she could stop them, and she heard Emma’s choked sob that made her heart clench.  
“Mrs. Nolan, I’m sorry, but you have leukemia.”


	2. Truth Is, It Hurts

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I love you guys don’t kill me

The car ride home is silent. Neither of the girls speak a word, or go to turn on the radio, or attempt to stop their tears. Alyssa is astonished at the fact that she didn’t crash her car on the way back to their dorm. By the time they reach their room, all Emma wants to do is collapse onto her bed and hide from the world. She thinks that maybe, if she falls asleep right now, she will wake up, and this will all be a bad dream. Maybe she’ll wake up, and she won’t be sick, and Alyssa won’t be crying in the bed across from hers.   
That’s the thing that hurts the most. The way Alyssa won’t look at her, and the way she can hear her sobbing, even through the headphones she put on. No matter how loudly she blasts her Eleanor soundtrack she can still hear everytime Alyssa takes a shaky breath, attempting to calm down but failing. As she reaches the finale, she makes a sudden realization. She has to tell them, and she has to tell Betsy. She reaches for her phone to change the music, suddenly feeling sick to her stomach, but decides to just take her headphones off entirely.   
“Do you wanna talk about it?” Alyssa’s voice comes from across the room. It’s timid, and scared, a voice that Emma had not heard since the night she asked her to go public with her story. It’s as if Alyssa is terrified of losing her once again.  
“Not really,” Emma mumbles, curling in on herself, but removing the blanket from over her head.   
She makes eye contact with her girlfriend, who is staring at her so lovingly that it almost makes her heart melt. “Do you wanna go to bed for the night?” she asks, beginning to sit up because she already knows the answer.   
When Emma nods, Alyssa moves from her bed to her girlfriend’s, climbing over her body in order to spoon her from the other side. Emma barely moves, just latches onto Alyssa’s arm, as if she were afraid to let go. To be honest, she was afraid to let go. Both of them were.  
…  
When Emma wakes up the next morning, there’s a plate of pancakes waiting on her bedside table. Alyssa is nowhere to be found, but the note by the plate explains everything. She had gone to class, but had made sure to grab Emma some breakfast before she left. The blond smiles, she can’t believe how lucky she got.  
By the time she finishes eating, Alyssa is back and seems peppier than she had ever known her. It kind of felt like when they would go to football games in high school. She looked like she was faking her smile, just like she did for those Friday nights in front of her mother every week. The thought of Mrs. Greene makes Emma’s somewhat happy mood turn sour, because it reminds her of her own guardian, her grandmother, who she would soon have to tell the news to. “I called Betsy,” Alyssa says suddenly, seeming to sense the tension in the room. “She’s coming for a visit on Friday. I also called Barry, he promised he would get the whole crew together by then as well.”  
Emma nods, seeming to zone off. Alyssa can’t help but smile sadly, running her fingers through her girlfriend’s curls. “Don’t forget, Monday we go in for your big dose.”  
After the doctors had told Emma about her cancer, they had mentioned that they wanted to start her with a big dose of chemotherapy. They wanted to do it when she could be monitored in the hospital for a week, just so they could continue to run tests and make sure her body reacted correctly. They had also decided, however, that the young girl had been through quite the ordeal that Wednesday, so they allowed her to go home, scheduling her next visit for the following Monday. Now it was Thursday, and she had one day to prepare herself to tell her grandmother and the Broadway stars that had practically adopted her that she had cancer.  
By the time lunch rolls around, Emma is refusing food. This worries Alyssa, and she wonders if they did the right thing by taking her out of the hospital. Emma tries to calm her worries, saying she just doesn’t feel well, but it’s no use. Alyssa is coddling her like a child by the time dinner rolls around. The blond manages to eat some toast in order to make her girlfriend happy, but falls asleep not long after.  
When Emma falls asleep, Alyssa carefully slips out of her bed, making her way towards the desk in their room. She tries to concentrate on her homework, but her mind keeps wandering to other things. Her girlfriend could die, and there is nothing she can do about it.   
She’s not going to die, another voice in her head pops up. She’s fucking Emma Nolan, she’s been through so much, this wouldn’t get her. Besides, the doctor he was pretty sure that she had the most common form, and that they had caught it in time to treat it. She really hoped he was right.  
While she attempts to distract herself with homework, her phone begins to buzz, it’s her mother. Despite everything that had happened the previous year, or the way she became distant when Alyssa first came out, she was still her mother. Besides Emma, she was the person that she felt safest with. She was the person she could be vulnerable with.  
So when she answers the phone, the first thing she does is burst into tears.  
“Alyssa? Superstar, what’s wrong?” her mother’s voice fills her ears, as she tries to choke out an excuse. She tries to tell her that it’s just stress, that college is getting to her, but it’s to no avail. “Honey, I know you too well to think this is the kind of crying you do for stress. What’s really going on?”  
“Emma has cancer,” she blurts it so suddenly that it even startles herself.   
Her mother is taken aback for a moment, not saying anything as she attempts to craft the best way to comfort her daughter. In the end, there really is nothing she can do. “Honey I’m so sorry,” she says softly. “Are you okay?”  
“No,” Alyssa admits, as the tears well up in her eyes again. “I thought she just had the flu, it’s been going around the campus, but it’s so, so much worse.”  
Mrs. Greene simply listens as her daughter sobs on the phone, not sure how she’s supposed to respond. “Mom, I’m so scared.”  
“I know Superstar, I know.”  
“C-c-can you m-m-make one of th-those care packages y-you did when w-w-we first moved i-i-in?”  
“Yes honey of course. I’ll make a special one just for you and Emma alright?”  
“Thanks m-mom.”  
“You’re welcome, and Superstar?”  
“Yeah?”  
“I love you.”  
Alyssa lets out a breath she didn’t realize she was holding in. “Love you too.”  
She says her goodbyes and hangs up, turning back towards Emma who is peacefully snoring. Taking a deep breath she kneels by her bed, reaching out to stroke her hair and plant a kiss on her temple. She looks around the room, deciding she isn’t happy with the way it looks. Pushing Emma’s nightstand to the other side of the room, she then pushes her bed so that it is touching Emma’s. Climbing into her side, she sighs happily. Watching her girlfriend snore peacefully, she decides this is how she wants it to be forever. She wishes this would last.  
…  
Emma wakes up crying the next morning, and Alyssa can’t do anything but hold her as she works her way through her breakdown. By the time she is calm, Alyssa realizes they only have a few hours to get ready for Betsy and the Broadway crew’s arrival, they slept in well past 12:30. Betsy had sent Emma a text saying she would be there by 3, and Barry had sent her a text saying the four of them would be there by 3:30. There plan was to be at the airport by 2:30 in order to pick them up.  
“C’mon love, time to get dressed,” Alyssa cooed, laying out Emma’s clothes in front of her.  
“You know I can dress myself, I’m not a child,” Emma jokes, but regrets it when she sees guilt build up in Alyssa’s eyes.  
“You’re right,” she says quickly. “I’m sorry I shouldn’t have-”  
Emma cuts her off by kissing her. “Baby, it was a joke. I love you.”  
“I love you more,” the brunette melts into her arms.   
“I like what you did with the decorating,” she comments. “But maybe we should move our bed contraption to the middle so I can still have my nightstand.”  
“Good idea.”  
The two of them situate the beds how they want to, before Emma collapses back onto her side. “Do we have to do this today?”  
“Unfortunately,” Alyssa sighs. “C’mon baby, we can eat lunch at the airport.”  
After lunch and only a few minutes of waiting, Betsy comes into their sightline in the terminal. She hugs her granddaughter first, before hugging Alyssa as well. “Girls, it’s so wonderful to see you,” she smiles at them. “When will the others be here?”  
“Right now!” they look behind them and they find Barry leading the way with Dee Dee, Angie, and Trent not far behind.  
After more hugs and hellos from everyone else, the seven of them decide to pile up in the car. Alyssa was thankful that her mother had bought her a Buick as a graduation present, because there was no way she could fit everyone in there without it. By the time they reach their dorm, Emma is practically falling asleep in her seat. “Baby,” Alyssa shakes her arm gently, and she jolts awake. “We gotta go inside.”  
Emma nods, her head foggy after her slight sleep. They make their way back to the girls’ room, which feels significantly smaller with seven people in it. As soon as they get inside though, Emma collapses onto the bed, her fatigue winning the battle. “Hey, hey,” Alyssa rubs her back as she begins to cry. “It’s gonna be okay baby girl.”  
“Is everything alright?” Betsy asks, standing next to Alyssa while looking for the best way to comfort her granddaughter.  
Emma sighs, sitting up a bit. “Um, actually, that’s what I need to talk to you about, what I need to talk to all of you about,” she looks at the Broadway crew as she says the last part. “I was feeling really sick the past couple days, so ‘Lys took me to the doctor. We thought it was just the flu, but then they made us go to the hospital to do blood work, and I- I-”  
She looks at Alyssa with panic in her eyes as she begins to cry again. “Shh baby,” Alyssa jumps onto the bed so she can sit next to her, pulling her into a hug and rubbing her back. “It’s alright, take your time.”  
Emma takes a deep breath, but doesn’t remove herself from Alyssa’s arms. Alyssa holds her close, whispering encouraging words to reassure her that she can do this.  
“I have leukemia.”


	3. Nothing in Life is Fair

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Nothing is fair and everything sucks.

The room is silent. Betsy is crying, which isn’t surprising. Dee Dee and Barry had excused themselves outside, they didn’t want Emma to hear how loudly they were sobbing. Angie stands in shock, her hand over her mouth, she hasn’t moved since Emma said it. Trent is sitting on the bed beside her, afraid that if he gets up he’ll faint.  
“How long have you known?” Betsy is the first to break the silence, sitting on the other side of Trent.

“A couple of days,” Emma says softly.

Betsy nods, reaching over to grab her hand. “What’s happening?” she asks Alyssa, rubbing her knuckles. “I mean, have you thought about treatment options or?”

“She starts with a big dose of chemo on Monday,” Alyssa responds, frowning as Emma tenses up in her arms. “She’ll be monitored for around a week in the hospital.”

The older woman once again nods, just as there’s a knock at the door. Angie finally moves from her place and opens it, revealing Barry and Dee Dee standing there with a stuffed bear as big as Emma herself. “Jesus Christ,” she mumbles, before bursting out laughing. “Where on Earth did you get that?”

“We drove to Walmart,” Barry explains, throwing Alyssa her keys. “Well, first we picked up the rental car, then we drove to Walmart.”

Emma nods before snuggling back into Alyssa’s side. “Naptime?” she guesses, and the blond nods against her. “Okay, I got you.”

The Broadway crew decides to give the girls their space, promising to meet for dinner that night. Emma asks for the teddy bear that Barry and Dee Dee had brought her, and it promptly replaces Alyssa as her cuddling partner. “Um, we have tea if you want some,” she says, suddenly realizing that she still has a guest. “Or food? Kind of. We have Cheez-its.”

Betsy chuckles a little, shaking her head. “It’s okay darling, I’m not hungry.”

Alyssa nods wordlessly, sitting on her end of the bed. Betsy pulls up one of the chairs she has by the wall and sits next to her, reaching out to grab her hand. “How are you doing honey?”

“Me? I’m fine, I’m good, I’m-”

“Don’t lie to me Alyssa Greene.”

“I’m having panic attacks every fucking hour.”

She covers her mouth as soon as she says it, remembering that she is talking to her girlfriend’s grandmother. Betsy doesn’t comment on it though, only squeezes her hand a little tighter. “You look exhausted.”

“I haven’t been sleeping well,” she admits. “I’m worried that if I fall asleep something will happen. She’ll get sick or scared and I won’t be there.”

Betsy pulls her into a hug then, and Alyssa lets the tears begin to fall down her face. “Why don’t we get you into bed? I’ll be right here if anything happens.”

She nods against her shoulder, allowing the older woman to guide her to her side of the bed. Lying down, she lets Betsy to tuck her in like a small child, running her fingers through her hair gently. “G’night Betsy,” she slurs a little, beginning to let sleep overtake her.

“Goodnight Alyssa.”  
…  
By the time they make it to the restaurant that night, the Broadway crew seems to have calmed down a bit, and it almost scares Emma how quiet they are. She doesn’t complain though, the headache currently forming would not be helped if they were as extravagant as normal.

“So, how have your classes been?” Angie asks, attempting to make conversation despite the fact that the room is a deadly kind of quiet.

“Good,” Alyssa says, rubbing Emma’s arm as she leans against her. “People are nice. I’m just hoping her professors will be understanding once she starts treatment.”

“Are you still going to go to class?” Trent pipes in, looking towards the blond leaning on her girlfriend.

“I’m gonna try,” she mumbles, burying her face in Alyssa’s arm. “‘Lys I don’t feel good.”

Alyssa lays her hand across her forehead, cursing under her breath. “I’m so sorry,” she says, rubbing her back. “I don’t think we can stay. She’s supposed to be on bed rest if she starts running a fever. I can leave my card with you to pay for our-”

“Nonsense,” Dee Dee shushes her, putting her hand up to stop her from getting out her wallet. “I’ve got it, you get your girl home.”

“Thank you,” the younger girl smiles gratefully at her. “Is there anyway you could drive Betsy back to our dorm? I don’t want to spoil your fun.”

“We’ll all be back there in a few minutes,” Barry assures them, watching as Emma begins to wince when she tries to open her eyes. “Do you want us to pick anything up on the way home?”

“Maybe some fever reducers? We’re nearly out at home.”

“We’ll get them.”

Alyssa smiles gratefully at him before running her fingers through her girlfriend’s curls. “C’mon babygirl, let’s get you home.”

When they reach their dorm, Emma’s fever has spiked and Alyssa is debating taking her to the hospital, wondering if she has the resources to care for her there. Luckily, the Broadway crew and Betsy return home just as she nearly starts crying, saving her from her fears of caring for Emma alone.

“Trent,” Emma calls from her bed, her fever making her slightly delirious. “Will you come sit with me?”

“Of course honey,” he relieves Alyssa of her position with her, as Emma lays her head in his lap. “We brought some medicine for you, darling.”

As Trent attempts to coax Emma into taking some fever reducer, Angie notices the way Alyssa is shaking. Raising her eyebrows, she motions for the girl to follow her outside. Alyssa does so, and finally bursts into tears upon closing the door behind her. “Oh baby,” Angie wraps her into a hug. “Why don’t we take a walk? You seem like you need to talk some things out.”

Alyssa nods and lets Angie eep an arm around her as they walk down the hall. “It’s just so much, and we haven’t even started chemo yet. She’s so tired and weak all the time, and she keeps getting sick and I can’t do anything! I just want to help, but I don’t fucking know how.”

Sighing, Angie rubs the girl’s arm. “Honey, you just have to be there. I know it’s hard, bu that’s all Emma wants from you right now. She just wants her girlfriend to be there to kiss her forehead and hug her close when the rest of the world feels like hell.”

Alyssa nods, leaning into the Broadway star. “And honey, we’re going to be here the entire way. None of us are leaving, at least not until Emma’s first dose is over.”

“You don’t have to do that,” the younger girl shakes her head.

“We want to baby, now let’s get back in there. I’m surprised Trent hasn’t called me panicking over her yet.”

Alyssa nods, and the two walk back down the hallway, opening up the door. Emma is fast asleep with her head resting in Trent’s lap, his hand running through her curls. Alyssa can’t help but “aw” at the sight in front of her, finally getting the older Broadway star’s attention. He smiles at her. “She’s so peaceful.”

“She is,” Alyssa agrees. “These are the good moments.”

Barry reaches out to squeeze the young girl’s hand, and Alyssa appreciates the gesture. Dee Dee, who had kept her distance for most of the night, stands next to her in order to put her arm around her. Alyssa leans into the touch, a little too much, which makes Dee Dee’s brows furrow in worry. “Let’s get you to bed, yeah?” she asks, getting no response from Alyssa except a nod. “C’mon darling.”

After helping her climb into bed, the stars and Betsy realize she’s still in her clothes from dinner, but no one has the heart to wake her up. Emma subconsciously moves towards her when she feels the bed dip, snuggling her head into the crook of her neck. This gives Trent the opportunity to get up, tucking both of the girls in with a big comforter. “We should get going,” Barry says after a minute. “Unless you need us to-”

“No, we should be fine. Thank you for everything,” Betsy smiles at them.

“Of course,” Dee Dee says as they all give her hugs. “We’ll see you in the morning. Just call if you need anything.”

“I will.”

As they step out the door, Betsy grabs an extra pillow from the closet and sets up camp on the couch. She distracts herself with a book before the tears begin to fall, and she gets up to look at her granddaughter. Staring down at the two girls in front of her, she feels her breath get caught in her throat as more tears pour down her face. There truly is nothing she can do but watch as the steady breaths rise and fall in Emma’s chest.  
…  
“What do we do?” Barry’s voice breaks through the silence that had enveloped the hotel room all four of the actors were sitting in. “How do we fix this?”

“We can’t,” Angie sighs, shaking her head as tears well up in her eyes. “There is nothing to do besides staying here to be with her. I’ve already called my manager, I’m not going back to my show until all of this is over.”

“I’m not going back at all,” Barry pipes up. “I’ve been looking at apartments in town. I’ve saved up enough for at least a couple of months, and I can try to find a job to stay longer.”

“What about the fans?” Dee Dee asks. “Won’t they be angry?”

“I will literally tell my fans to go fuck themselves before I leave our little lesbian behind.”

The other three stared at him for a minute, shocked by the sudden outburst. He puts a hand to his chest as a sob escapes his lips, and Dee Dee rushes to get him a chair to sit in. “Take a deep breath,” she says softly, taking his hands. “Copy me, you can do this.”

“I just don’t understand,” his voice is shaky as he tries to speak again. “Why her? Why our little lesbian? It isn’t fair!”

“No it isn’t,” Angie says softly as tears begin to fall down her face. “But it’s happened, and now we have to help in every way we can. All we can do is wait this out with her.”

Before they know it, all four actors are crying. The idea of losing their Emma is so overwhelming that it isn’t until nearly an hour later that their faces are finally dry.  
…  
“Alright dear, we’re going to stick this into your arm and then you’re good to go,” the nurse smiles sympathetically at Emma.

Emma nods, nearly breaking Alyssa’s hand by holding it so tightly. All four of the actors are sitting in chairs by her bed, as well as Betsy. She tries to focus on them as they slide the needle into place, it helps a little with the pain. “You’re doing so good baby girl,” Alyssa praises as the medicine begins to flow. “I’m so proud of you.”

All of the adults give words of encouragement as well, making Emma smile a bit. “Now, if you feel the urge to throw up there’s a trashcan right next to your bed,” the nurse explains. “And I’m going to be right back with soe juice to keep that blood sugar up. Would you prefer apple or orange?”

“Apple,” she responds. “Can Alyssa lay with me?”

The nurse seems taken aback for a minute at the sudden question, but then seems to think about it. “I don’t see why not,” she smiles softly at the two girls. “Just stay on her left side, alright?”

Alyssa nods before climbing into bed with her girlfriend. Emma rests her head on her chest, letting her girlfriend play with her hair with one hand while rubbing her back with the other. The room is relatively quiet until the nurse comes back in with the apple juice, which Alyssa has to help her girlfriend sit up to drink. Emma manages to keep it down, and soon the two hours have passed. The needle is removed, and the young girl falls asleep with soft snores as her girlfriend kisses her temple.

“Are you planning on staying here tonight?” Betsy asks quietly, attempting not to wake her granddaughter. “I can run home and get your blanket and pillow, and anything else you need.”

“That would be great,” Alyssa smiles gratefully. “I’m kind of planning on staying in that chair if I can’t stay with her. Could you grab me some fresh clothes for tomorrow too?”

“Of course darling,” she kisses her forehead before standing up. “I’ll go ahead and go, if that’s okay with everyone?”

“Thank you Betsy.”

“Always.”

She’s out the door without another word, leaving Alyssa alone with her girlfriend and the actors. Alyssa sighs as Emma lets out a whimper, snuggling closer to the girl holding her. “What’s wrong baby?”

“My arm hurts.”

“The doctors said that was normal, you aren’t used to this yet. It’s just sore. Do you want me to put some ice on it?”

She nods and allows Alyssa to take the ice pack the nurse had left and wrap it with the athletic tape. “‘Lys,” she mumbles softly. “‘Lys I don’t feel good.”

“I know my love,” she says sympathetically, kissing her temple again. “Why don’t you shut those pretty eyes of yours and try to go back to sleep?”

Emma nods into her shirt, trying to get as close as possible. Alyssa sighs, shifting so she can keep her comfortable.

That night is when it all goes to hell. Her fever spikes beyond 103, scaring the shit out of Alyssa. She cries and screams as the doctors and nurses try to calm her down, and Alyssa has to leave the bed as she has to be physically restrained. It scares her, the way her girlfriend went from fine to screaming so quickly.

There is nothing she can do but watch as they give her medicine and attempt to fix what is happening. She can’t help it as she starts to cry, watching her baby so miserable.  
…  
It’s the next evening, after the Broadway stars and Betsy have left for the day, that one of the doctors Alyssa had just met the morning before comes in. He shakes her hand, then asks her to wake Emma up because they need to go over her charts. “We’re going to have to run more tests,” he sighs, and Alyssa wants to cry. All they’ve done is run tests on her all day, poking, prodding, and drawing blood like Alyssa had never known. 

“There’s a gene,” he explains further. “It’s rare, so rare that we hardly test for it, but if someone has it it can cause the body to react to the chemotherapy horribly without any results. It basically makes it useless.”

Both of the girls seem confused by him bringing this on, so he presses further. “When we looked into your medical history it says that your mother has this gene. We want to make sure you don’t have it before we go any further with chemo. Did you have any problems after your dose yesterday?”

“They didn’t tell you?” Alyssa seems shocked. “She woke up screaming in pain. They had to physically restrain her. What kind of fucking hospital doesn’t tell their-”

“Ms. Greene, please. I understand you are upset but I haven’t had the chance to review Emma’s chart today as I’ve been busy with other patients.”

“I’m sorry,” she says quietly. 

“It’s quite alright,” he smiles at her. “I understand these are hard times. We’re going to go ahead and test for that right now, so I can hope to have the results in the morning.”

Emma nods, allowing him to draw more blood out of her. “I’ll see you in the morning Ms. Nolan, and I’m assuming you as well Ms. Greene?”

“Yes, I’ll be here.”

“Good, have a good night you two.”

“You too.”


	4. Strep Throat and Teddy Bears

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> i love you losers and i put you through too much

“What do you mean the chemotherapy isn’t working?” Alyssa’s heart sinks as the doctor in front of her sighs.

“I’m sorry Mrs. Greene, but it’s the end of the road. We’ve tried everything we can.”

“There has to be something else we can do! Please!”

“I’m so sorry.”

Time seemed to move in slow motion. Alyssa could see the Broadway crew staring at her expectedly, as well as Betsy. Emma was lying in her bed, her breathing labored as she stared up at her girlfriend. “Em, I’m so sorry,” she cried as she kneeled beside her bed, running her fingers through her hair. 

“It’s not your fault,” she coughed, reaching out to take her girlfriend’s hand. “Go out and change the world for me, okay?”

“I will, you know I will.”

“I love you.”

It’s the last thing she says before the line goes flat, and Alyssa screams.

“”Lys! ‘Lys!” she’s shaken awake.

There are tears streaming down her face as she opens her eyes to find her girlfriend staring back at her, looking terrified. She practically tackles her in a hug, and the blond girl holds onto her tight. “What’s wrong baby? What happened?”

“I had a nightmare,” she’s shaking so badly that it scares Emma. “I thought you died. I was all alone, and I just wanted you.”

“Oh baby girl,” she sighs, rubbing her back. “I’m right here my love, I promise.”

Alyssa finally settles down a few minutes later, allowing both girls to get some much needed sleep. That’s how the Broadway crew and Betsy find them when they come that morning, with Alyssa’s head resting on Emma’s chest, a protective arm slung across her stomach, as if she were afraid to let go. 

The peace doesn’t last long, because she has to have her second round of chemo that day. Alyssa has to mentally prepare herself for the pain she knows her baby will endure later that night, but at that moment she doesn’t care. She wants to do anything she can for the girl who’s now in her arms. 

Somewhere during chemo, Dr. Johnson, the one who had informed them about the gene, explains that the tests are going to take a little longer than expected, but he should have the results before she leaves at the end of the week. This fills Alyssa with anxiety, because all she can do is wonder if the results are going to be the worst.

After the chemo, when Emma has fallen asleep and Alyssa is not far from it, Angie suggests taking Alyssa home to get a shower and maybe some food in her system. Alyssa refuses. “Darling,” she coaxes. “When was the last time you ate?”

“Yesterday, but that’s not important!”

“Alyssa, it is nearly time for dinner and you still haven’t eaten anything. She’s asleep.”

“What if something happens and I’m not here?”

“We will be,” Barry assures her. “And we will call you if anything is to happen to her. I promise.”

“Fine,” she slowly gets up, letting Angie put an arm around her.

As Angie drives her around town, the girl finds herself slipping in and out of sleep, her head resting against the window. She doesn’t remember getting home, and she hardly remembers showering. She finally fully regains consciousness around three hours later, when she wakes up in her bed, her head in Angie’s lap. “Have a good nap sweetheart?”

“Why’d you let me sleep?” she rubs her eyes, sitting up slowly.

“Darling you were delirious with exhaustion. Don’t worry, Emma’s fine, I’ve gotten updates on her breathing from Barry every five minutes.”

Alyssa can’t help but let out a small laugh that makes Angie smile at her. “Do you want to eat something?”

The younger girl doesn’t feel even slightly hungry, but she nods anyways. She knows she needs to eat so that she doesn’t fall back into her delirium. Angie was already prepared with soup, but she barely eats half of the bowl before pushing it away. “Do you- do you think Barry can stay with Emma tonight? Or Trent? Or Dee Dee?”

“I’m sure they can honey, are you wanting to stay here?”

Alyssa nods into her shoulder, already feeling herself falling back into sleep. Angie quickly moves the bowl and lets the young girl lay down, tucking her into bed. She sends a quick text to Barry that one of them needs to stay with Emma, which is responded with that all of them are going to stay there tonight. 

By the time Betsy gets home that evening, Angie has already decided to stay home with Alyssa, who still hasn’t woken up. “How is she?” Betsy asks as she walks in.

“She’s pale,” Angie sighs. “I’m worried about her. She hasn’t been taking care of herself.”

Just as she says that, a cough rises from the young girl’s throat, and Angie frowns. Laying her hand across her forehead, her frown deepens, and Betsy seems to understand. She grabs the thermometer from their bathroom before waking the young girl up, slipping it into her mouth before she can protest. The numbers glaring back at her once it beeps makes Angie want to cry. “101,” she mumbles, running a hand through her hair. “Fuck.”  
…  
“What do you mean the other little lesbian is sick?” Dee Dee nearly yells over the phone a few minutes later.

“I mean she’s running a fever and coughing up a storm,” Angie responds. “Will you please put Trent on the phone?”

“Yeah hold on,” she passes the phone off.

“What’s wrong with Alyssa?” he says immediately, not bothering with greetings. 

“I don’t know. We’re going to take her into the doctor in the morning. I have no idea how she’s going to react though, she can’t go see Emma when she’s like this.”

“Is she sleeping now?”

“Yes. That’s all she’s done since we got home.”

Trent sighs, running his fingers through the girl laying in his lap’s hair. “Well, why don’t you stay with Alyssa, and I’ll hold down the fort here? I can send Dee Dee home to get your clothes and bring them to you.”

“That sounds like a good plan,” Angie sighs out again. “Trent you should have seen her today. She’s exhausted herself worrying over Emma.”

“I know.”

Finding that there is nothing more to talk about, the two decide to say goodbye and hang up. Angie lies down with Alyssa, who instinctively curls next to her, and she can’t help but feel a pang of sadness. She tries to close her eyes and get some rest, knowing the day ahead is going to be hectic.  
…  
Surprisingly enough, Alyssa doesn’t put up much of a fight when Angie takes her to the doctor the next morning. She seems too tired to as she rests her head on the Broadway star’s shoulder. She lets Angie do all of the talking when they finally get into an office, her acting as a mom of sorts while the young girl falls asleep on the examination table.

The diagnosis comes rather quickly: strep throat with a side of dehydration and exhaustion, though Angie could have guessed the last two parts. She lets Alyssa sleep in the car as she picks up her prescriptions, along with a couple of extra things, including two teddy bears holding two halves of the same heart. Getting Alyssa in the door is a challenge, she’s too tired to barely even move. Angie finally manages to tuck her into bed, but the young girl doesn’t want to be alone. “I want Emma,” she whines, her eyes filling with tears.

“Honey, there is nothing more that I want to do than to take you to Emma, but we can't get her sick.”

A choked sob escapes Alyssa’s lips before she can stop it, and Angie sighs sympathetically as she climbs into the bed with her. Alyssa lays her head in her lap, and she knows that the older woman is pretending not to notice the tears soaking her pant leg. Quietly, Angie pulls out one of the bears sitting in the bag. “Hey, honey,” she says softly as Alyssa opens her eyes. “Would this make you feel better?”

Alyssa stares at it for a minute before reaching her hands out for the bear, and snuggling it close to her chest as soon as she has it. “What’s in his hands?” she asks, her voice hoarse. 

“A little heart,” Angie smiles. “And there’s another one that’s going to sit with Emma, with the other half.”

“Really?”

“Really, that way when you can’t be with Emma, just like right now, she is always here with you.”

Alyssa smiles at her, holding the bear close. “Will you tell me what Emma names them?””

“You want Emma to name them?”

“Yes. I want to name hers,” she pauses, seeming to think very deeply about it. “Jojo.”

“Jojo?” Angie grins, giggling softly at the giddy girl laying in her lap. “I like that name, and I’m sure Emma will too.”

“Will you give it to her?”

“Barry is coming by to get some more clothes for them, so I’m gonna send it with him.”

“You’re not going back to the hospital?”

“No darling, I’m going to stay here with you,” she carefully runs her fingers through her hair. “I wouldn’t think of leaving you here by yourself like this.”

Alyssa frowns. “You should go be with Emma. i know you’re probably worried about her.”

“I’m worried about you too dear,” she continues to stroke her hair. “You’re burning up with fever. We need to get that temperature down, and then you need to get some sleep.”  
“Can you stay right here with me?”

“Yes,” she leans down to place a gentle kiss on her head. “Why don’t I get a cold washcloth to lay on your forehead, and you pick out a movie on Netflix? Or a show, I don’t care either way, whatever you want to watch.”

Alyssa nods, and Angie stands up, walking quickly to wet a washcloth. By the time she gets back the young girl already has Love, Simon playing from the laptop. “I should have known,” Angie laughs, wiping off Alyssa’s face with the washcloth before laying it on her forehead. “This is Emma’s favorite, isn’t it?”

“‘It’s gay so it relates to her,’” Alyssa quotes her girlfriend, laying her head in Angie’s lap. “She can practically quote it word for word.”

“That’s impressive. Now, let’s close those eyes and try to get some sleep, yeah?”

Alyssa nods, already beginning to drift off. “G’night Angie,” she mumbles sleepily.

“Goodnight Alyssa.”  
…  
“I love her more than anything else in the whole world,” Emma breathes softly, snuggling into her pillow while clutching the bear to her chest. “She named her Jojo, I have to think of a good name for hers.”

“Yes you do,” Barry runs his fingers through her curls. “Are you feeling alright?”

“I am now,” she breathes softly, letting her eyes close as she rubs her face against the stuffed animal’s fur. “Roscoe.”

“What was that?”

“Roscoe. I want to name Alyssa’s Roscoe.”

“I like that,” Barry sends a quick text to Angie. “Are you ready for a nap?”

She nods, refusing to open her eyes. Barry tucks her in with the soft blanket Betsy had brought her, then quietly slips her glasses off of her face. For a brief moment in time, everything is perfect. Though separated, both girls are sleeping peacefully with their bears, feeling better as each minute progresses.


	5. Genes Are a Funny Thing

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> my bad

Angie sighs as she pulls the thermometer from Alyssa’s mouth two days later, wanting to yell at the numbers staring back at her. “It’s still there isn’t it?” the younger girl sighs as Angie nods, running her fingers through her hair. “I just want to go see Emma.”

“I know darling,” she lay the washcloth over her forehead again. “Do you want to FaceTime with her again?”

“No.”

Angie isn’t surprised, the last time that they had FaceTimed with Emma she had started screaming in pain, and Alyssa had found herself having a panic attack over whether or not she was okay. Instead, Alyssa curls up next to Angie, who puts on another movie for them to watch. “Do you want any of that stuff your mom sent in the basket?”

Alyssa shakes her head, eyes never leaving the screen. Mrs. Greene’s care package had arrived in the mail earlier that day, filled with food, medicine, blankets, and so many fuzzy socks that Alyssa wondered how they would ever wear them all. “Honey, you need to eat something.”

She just shakes her head again, closing her eyes when the screen flashes bright white. Angie just sighs, not bothering to argue with the younger girl. She slips out of the bed as Alyssa falls asleep, her head resting softly on the pillow. Being careful not to wake her, she steps into the hallway to call Trent. “Hey,” she says softly as he answers. “How’s Emma?”

“She’s been throwing up since this morning,” he sighs. “I know they said the chemo might make her sick, but it seems like it’s hurting her so much. She won’t touch anything, not even water. She also won’t let anyone sit with her anymore, she just wants to cuddle with that bear. I think she’s having separation anxiety from Alyssa.”

“Well I can’t bring Alyssa in because the last thing we need is her catching strep.”

“I know,” he shakes his head. “Just two more days and she’ll be out of here.”

“Have those tests from Dr. Andrews come back?”

“No, they’re supposed to be in the morning.”

Angie sighs, running a hand through her hair. “What if she has that gene?” tears begin to well up in her eyes. “What if the chemo isn’t going to work?”

“Then we’ll find a new step to take,” Trent sounds so calm that it kind of scares her. “This is our Emma, our little lesbian, we’re talking about here.”

“You’re right,” she suddenly hears a crash from inside of the room. “I’ll call you back, tell Emma I love her.”

“Okay.”

She hangs up and walks inside, finding Alyssa on the floor, crying. “Alyssa!” she rushes towards her, scooping the younger girl into her arms. “Darling what happened?”

“I dropped Roscoe,” she sobs. “I tried to get up to get them and I got dizzy.”

“Okay darling, it’s alright now, I’ve got you. You aren’t hurt are you?”

Alyssa shakes her head, nestling her head into the crook of Angie’s neck. She slyly reaches for the bear sitting on the floor. Alyssa reaches for it like a small child, tucking it close to her as soon as she gets her hands on it. “Why don’t we get you back into bed?”

She nods, letting Angie help hold her up as she climbs back into bed. The Broadway star dips the washcloth back into the bowl of water before wiping down Alyssa’s face again, then placing it on her forehead. As the younger girl falls asleep, Angie can’t help but smile. She finally looks at peace.  
…  
“Barry?”

“Yes little lesbian?”

“When is Alyssa gonna come back?” she refuses to look at him, instead messing with the fur on her bear. 

“Whenever her fever breaks darling,” he sighs.

“I miss her.”

“I know sweetheart.”

Just as he says that, Dr. Andrews knocks on the door frame. “Results?” Trent says automatically, not even saying hello.

“Not yet,” he smiles sadly. “I just had a minute so I thought I would come check up on you. Where’s your girlfriend?”

“She’s sick,” Emma responds sadly, looking down at her bear again. “She got me a bear though.”

“That’s precious,” he sits by her bed. “How have your treatments been going?”

“They’re hard,” she says softly, suddenly seeming to become shy. “I get sick a lot.”

He frowns before looking down at her paperwork, flipping through it as if he were searching for something specific. “We’re going to up your anti-nausea medicine before your last dose tomorrow,” he says suddenly. “I want to see if that keeps you from getting sick.”

“I’m having chemo tomorrow? Does that mean I don’t have-”

“I don’t know,” he sighs. “I won’t know until tomorrow, I”m sorry.”

“It’s okay,” she smiles a little.

He stands up suddenly, smiling at the Broadway stars and Betsy who are also smiling at him. “I’ll see you all in the morning, and I hope Alyssa is feeling well enough to   
join us then.”

“Me too,” Emma responds sadly, snuggling with her bear. 

He’s out of the door without another word, and Barry watches sadly as Emma snuggles back into her pillow. Suddenly, her phone begins to ring, and her face lights up as she sees who’s calling her. “Hi baby,” she says softly as she answers.

“Hey,” Alyssa’s face looks even paler over the phone, and Emma can tell that it hurts for her to talk. 

“What’s wrong?”

“I can’t sleep, and Angie went to the store.”

“Why?”

“Popsicles.”

“Do you want me to read to you until you can fall asleep?”

Alyssa nods, so Emma reaches into her bag for her copy of Leah on the Offbeat. She starts to read outloud, pausing every so often to look at her girlfriend, making sure her eyes were still closed. She hears Angie come in at some point, but she doesn’t interupt the two, just sits next to Alyssa who curls up next to her. It’s nearly two hours later when she finally finishes the book, smiling at the girl who is sleeping peacefully. “Angie?”

“Yeah?” Angie lifts the phone up to look at the younger girl.

“Thanks for taking care of her.”

Angie smiles at the young girl. “Of course darling, you know I always will.”  
…  
“So I can go to Emma tomorrow?” Alyssa grins excitedly as Angie checks her temperature later that night.

“Yes. We won’t take any chances by going tonight, but I’ll take you first thing in the morning so you can be there when Dr. Andrews gives her the results.”

Alyssa nods happily, snuggling with her bear before closing her eyes. By the time dinner comes around she actually has an appetite, and she falls asleep not long after she eats. 

The next morning Alyssa finds herself helplessly watching as her leg bounces with each passing minute in the hospital. It almost seems like she’s more anxious than Emma, who is staring at the ceiling, refusing to let anyone, even Alyssa, touch her. As Dr. Andrews enters the room she holds her breath, and Emma sits up to look at him. He sits down and pulls out her charts, saying nothing as he does so. “Spit it out!” Barry says suddenly, becoming increasingly impatient with the doctor.

“There’s no easy way to say this,” he sighs, rubbing his temple. “The genetics on your mother’s side of the family are extremely strong. You have the gene.”

Emma’s eyes well up with tears, but she doesn’t say anything. Everything suddenly feels too bright, too hot, and too much. Her breathing is shallow as she tries to look for Alyssa, but she can’t seem to see her. “Baby,” her voice is the first thing she hears, she feels herself being lifted into her arms. “It’s okay, I’ve got you. Deep breaths.”

“Can you give us a minute?” she finds her voice. “Everyone, please. I just want ‘Lys.”

Everyone agrees and leaves the girls alone, closing the door behind them. “What do we do now?” Emma’s voice is shaky. “I’m going to die.”

“You’re not going to die.”

“What if I do?”

“You won’t. Dr. Andrews already told us, even though you have this gene we could still do a bone marrow transplant. There are still more options.”

“I’m scared.”

“I know,” she hushes her, running her fingers through her hair. “I’m so sorry baby. If I could trade places with you I would right this instant.”

“Don’t say that,” Emma is beginning to struggle to speak. “I don’t want you to ever experience this. We may do everything together ‘Lys, but this is not something I ever want to have to. In fact, um, there was something I wanted to ask you.”

“Anything, baby.”

“I want to do everything with you. I want to spend the rest of my life with you, no matter how long or short that may be. I want you forever.”

“Baby girl, what are you saying?”

“Alyssa Greene, will you marry me?”


	6. Spaghetti and Blood Tests

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> i accept that y'all hate me

“Emma, I-”

“Oh my god I can’t believe I just asked you that. Holy shit, I’m so sorry. I don’t even have a ring or a plan or any kind of-”

Alyssa cuts her off by closing the gap between their lips. “Yes.”

Emma’s eyes fill with tears as she pulls the girl closer to her, refusing to let go. There’s a knock at the door a few minutes later, and the girls decide to let the others back into the room. All of the Broadway stars and Betsy look suspicious as they see the girls grinning from ear to ear. “What did you do?” Dee Dee asks, peering at Emma.

She takes a shaky breath before revealing her interlaced hands with Alyssa. “Honey, we knew that already,” Barry laughs a little, before Emma shakes her head.

“We’re getting married!” she squeals suddenly, unable to contain her excitement.

None of the adults say anything for a moment, before the room erupts into cheers. Everyone wants to know when it’s going to be, where, and how this happened. Alyssa exclaims that she needs to call her mom, and Betsy cries as she tells her that she’s going to be the best granddaughter-in-law ever. 

After a brief conversation with Mrs. Greene, Alyssa walks back into the room with a grin on her face. “Mom says she’ll pay for the wedding,” she squeals, which makes Emma burst into a fit of giggles. “Oh my god we’re getting married, oh my god. This is real.”

Emma smiles gleefully at her, and for a brief moment everything is perfect.  
…  
“How many pairs of socks did your mom buy?” Emma wonders out loud the Monday after that.

“So many,” Alyssa sighs out, nestling her head into her girlfriend’s chest. “I think she robbed a sock store.”

“I can see the headlines now. ‘Local PTA President Robs Sock Store for Daughter’s Girlfriend With Cancer Who She Used to Hate.’”

“Fiance,” Alyssa corrects.

“Shit, I’m still not used to that,” she grins.

Alyssa smiles back at her, before snuggling back into her chest. “Baby girl are you sure you’re feeling okay?”

“I’m perfect,” she sighs happily. “Everything is perfect. I’m just trying to enjoy the peace while it lasts.”

Emma nods, rubbing the girl’s back. “When did Dee Dee say they’re coming over?”

“Sometime around dinner, why?”

“Maybe we should start making food.”

“Angie said they were gonna bring food.”

Emma sighs, so Alyssa forces herself up to look at her. “What’s wrong?”

“It’s just- I hate that they have to take care of me. I can still cook dinner for myself. I don’t want to rely on them for everything like some little kid.”

“Do you want me to tell them not to bring food?”

“Yes.”

“Do you want to make dinner?”

“Yes.”

“Alrighty,” she jumps up, before holding out her hand. “C’mon, unless you want to serve them canned chicken noodle soup, because that’s about all that we have in the   
pantry.”

Emma giggles before getting up, and the two of them head out of the door. At the store they pick up everything they need to make the one thing Alyssa knows they can   
cook: spaghetti. When they return home she connects her phone to the speaker and begins to play the soundtrack from Emma’s favorite musical. “Oh my god fucking Eleanor,” she rolls her eyes at Alyssa. “I hate you.”

“You know you love it.”

“Maybe.”

She wraps her arms around Emma’s waist, pulling her in for a kiss. “I get to do that for the rest of my life,” she sighs out happily. “Fuck yes.”

“Fuck yes.”

“Maybe fuck yes will be our always,” Alyssa giggles, kissing her again. “Okay, now we really have to do this before we run out of time. I promised them home cooked food,   
and I don’t want to serve Chinese takeout.”

Emma laughs, and the two of them begin their cooking. Betsy lets herself and the Broadway stars in an hour later, finding both girls swaying around the kitchen, dancing. Emma twirls Alyssa around, who then continues to spin until she runs right into Dee Dee. “Oh my gosh I’m so sorry,” she apologizes. “We were making dinner and then our favorite song came on and-”

“Don’t apologize,” Dee Dee interrupts. “I think it’s really cute.”

“Little lesbians, what did you make for us?”

“Spaghetti,” Emma grins, putting her arm around Alyssa’s waist. “And meatballs, and really fucking good tomato sauce.”

Alyssa moves to get plates out of the cupboard while Emma begins preparing them until everyone is sitting on their beds or in the small table in the dorm. “Sorry we don’t   
have much room,” Emma says, laying her head on Alyssa’s shoulder.

“Nonsense, there’s enough room for the seven of us, and that’s all we need,” Barry smiles.

“You know what? You’re right,” Emma grins, taking another bite of her spaghetti. 

“So, have you two discussed treatment options?” Betsy questions, taking another bite.

“We wanted to talk to you about that,” Alyssa sets her plate down, sighing. “Um, we’re going in for a little bit of blood work tomorrow, both of us, and we would like for all   
of you to come with us. We need to find a match for her bone marrow transplant.”

All of the adults nod eagerly. Emma grins at them, thanking them for the constant support that they had been giving them. “Girls, I need to talk to you about something,” Betsy sighs. “I have to go home the day after tomorrow. I love you both, and you know that I’ll turn around in a heartbeat if either of you need me but-”

“We understand Grandma,” Emma smiles. “What about the four of you? I know that you must have shows to get back to.”

“I’m not going back,” Barry says, looking up at the girl. “I’ve rented an apartment actually, I move in on Thursday.”

“Whoa whoa what?” Emma stands up from her bed, swaying a little. “You can’t do that.”

“Emma, I want to,” he reassures her. “I’ve saved up money for an emergency like this. I’m prepared to-”

“You can’t just drop everything in your life for me,” tears well up in her eyes. “None of you can. It isn’t fair, I shouldn’t drag you away from-”

“You’re not dragging me away from anything,” he stands and takes Emma into his arms as she begins to grow dizzy. “Emma, this is what I want to do. You are so, so important to me, and I want to help you in anyway I can. Please, let me do this.”

She nods into his shoulder, suddenly growing quiet. Everyone is then hugging her in one group hug that nearly suffocates her. “‘Lys,” she sighs shakily, and the rest of them let go of her, allowing her to go straight into her fiance’s open arms. “‘Lys I need to sit down.”

“Okay, okay,” she carefully helps her back to the bed to sit. “What’s wrong? Just dizzy or are you about to throw up?”

“Just dizzy,” she puts her head in her hands as Alyssa rubs her back. “God I hate this.”

“I know,” Alyssa sighs, placing a kiss on her head. “Take deep breaths. We’ll get through this together.”

She doesn’t know why, but Emma believed her.  
…  
“I hate fucking needles,” Emma groans the next day. “I hate needles and hospitals and these stupid beige walls and-” Dr. Andrews walks in, cutting her off. “-and you because you keep sticking them in me.”

He smiles a little. “I promise you’ll thank me in the long run,” he remoes the needle from her arm. “Alright, you’re all set. Alyssa is just finishing up in her room so she should be in here in a minute, then we’ll get all of your other friends through. Sound good?”

Emma nods, grabbing her bear from her side and snuggling with it. Alyssa walks in a few minutes later and immediately collapses into the bed next to Emma, pecking her on the lips. “You should have warned me about how bad those suck,” she pouts, and Emma kisses her again.

“Did you not get the memo when I was screaming?”

Alyssa rolls her eyes. “Well, we both know I’m pretty oblivious.”

“Useless lesbian.”

“Yeah, but I’m your useless lesbian,” she grins, stealing another kiss from Emma. 

“That you are,” she intertwines their fingers. “And I believe you said yes to forever the other day.”

“Fuck yes.”

“Fuck yes.”

They grin at each other, just as the Broadway stars and Betsy come back into the room. Dr. Andrews sits them all down. “So, the most likely person to match is you, Betsy, since you’re the only blood relation,” he smiles. “However, there is a slight chance that none of you are matching because I don’t know your parents’ blood types. Have you tried contacting them?”

“My mother answered after ten tries and told me she would ‘rather die than help me unless I’m finally over that gay phase.’”

He frowns sympathetically. “I’m so sorry.”

“It’s okay.”

“Well, your results should be in in around twenty minutes. I’ll be back then.”

When he’s out of the room, Alyssa snuggles her face into Emma’s shoulder, whimpering. “What’s wrong?” Emma asks, rubbing her back.

“My arm hurts,” she moans, rubbing her hand over the bandage. “Fuck.”

“Let me take a look at it,” she sighs, moving her arm to see it better. “Baby, you’re still bleeding pretty bad. That bandage is soaked, Jesus Christ.”

When a nurse comes in to take her vitals again she points this out, and the nurse takes her out to redo her bandage and look at it. Alyssa doesn’t make it back into the room before Dr. Andrews, who sighs as he sits down. “We have a match-”

“That’s great!” Emma grins.

“Yes, but it’s Alyssa.”

“Oh,” she seems a little taken aback. “But that’s okay, I know ‘Lys will do this, she would do anything for me.”

“There’s a problem,” he rubs his temples. “Her white blood cell count is extremely low. We’re running more tests on her right now actually.”

“Wait, what? Is she okay?”

“Well, right now it looks like lupus.”


	7. Does Diagnosis Mean Anything?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> i love you guys

“Lupus?” Emma shoots out of her bed, immediately on her feet. “What do you mean-”

“Ms. Nolan, you know I can’t discuss another patient’s-”

“I’m her emergency contact.”

He sighs. “Look, when the wound wouldn’t stop bleeding we took a look at the blood we drew, and she had a really low white blood cell count. She had a rash on her forearm so we went ahead and began testing for lupus. Those tests should come back any-”

He doesn’t get to finish his sentence before Alyssa walks back into the room, tears in her eyes. She goes straight into Emma’s open arms, who rubs her back trying to comfort her. The blood tests take almost no time to come back, and Alyssa watches as her leg bounces anxious even though she is in her girlfriend’s arms. 

“I have good news and bad news,” he sighs. 

“Good news first,” Alyssa says immediately. 

“You don’t have lupus,” he says, and everyone grins at him. “However, you do have a blood disorder. It’s not nearly as serious, but your white blood cell count is abnormally low. There really isn’t much we can do about it except prescribe some supplements in order to combat it.”

“Can I still do the bone marrow transplant?”

Dr. Andrews sighs. “Yes, but it’s dangerous. I want to wait until you’ve been on supplements for a little while. With such low counts you could bleed out on the table or have a seizure in the middle of surgery. I don’t want to take any risks.”

She nods. “But after a while on supplements?”

“Give me two weeks, then we’ll check your levels again and talk about donating your bone marrow then.”

She nods enthusiastically, before leaning her head on Emma’s shoulder. Dr. Andrews tells them that they’re good to go, and less than an hour later they’re sitting in the dorm again. Betsy leaves to go back, as well as most of the Broadway stars, but Barry stays put, sitting in the only lounge chair there. “You really don’t have to do this,” Emma says again, turning to face him. “I don’t want you to uproot your entire life just to take care of me.”

“My sweet little lesbian,” he shakes his head. “Do you really think I could go back to New York with you like this? I would be an anxious wreck all of the time. I don’t think I could get through a full act without freaking out because I hadn’t heard from you. You are so much more important to me than a show.”

Emma hugs him tightly, tears threatening to spill from her eyes. “You have no idea what that means to me,” she whispers. 

“I will always be here for you Emma Nolan,” he grins. “Always and forever. You’re the daughter I never had.” He pauses to look at Alyssa sitting on the bed next to him. “You too Alyssa Greene, don’t ever forget you’re a part of this weird and dysfunctional family too.”

She smiles and gets up to hug them both, attempting to keep the tears in her eyes there. Suddenly, Emma looks up at him and grins, before running out of the room. Neither of them question where she’s going, they’re used to Emma’s antics by now. Instead, they patiently wait until she comes bursting back through the door holding a handmade card in the shape of a heart. She hands it to Barry, who tears up as he reads it, before removing the flower that had been stuck inside of it. “I don’t understand,” he shakes his head, finally allowing the tears to fall.

“Barry Allen, will you give me away at my wedding?”  
…  
“Call me every night,” Betsy says as she hugs the girls goodbye the next day. “I’ll be back for a weekend visit soon I promise. I love you both so so much.”

After a tearful round of goodbyes, Betsy is on a plane and heading back to Indiana. It’s merely two hours later when the rest of the Broadway stars are as well, besides Barry. The car ride back to the dorm is abnormally quiet, which makes Barry question if both of the girls are okay as they enter the room. “I don’t feel well,” Alyssa mumbles, her head in her hands. “I want to go to bed.”

“Okay darling,” Barry sighs, helping her climb into her bed. “Emma what about you?”

“I’m tired,” she responds, kicking off her shoes and joining her fiance in bed. 

Alyssa curls into her side, and Emma holds her close, rubbing her back while occasionally kissing the top of her head. Her eyes fall heavy and close, but the motions continue, almost as if they were automatic at that point. Barry can’t help but smile at the two before setting up camp on the couch and lying down with his phone. He gets a text from Angie that simply says, “We’re home safe. Take care of our sweet lesbians,” and it makes him smile. 

When he wakes up the next morning, Alyssa is still tucked into Emma’s side, her breathing coming out in shallow breaths. Seeing that neither of the girls want to wake up, he decides to start cooking breakfast. Thankfully, the care package Mrs. Greene had sent had the ingredients for pancakes, which were simple enough to make. Just as he’s finishing up Emma wakes up, sitting up carefully so not to wake up her fiance. “You made food?”

“No, meth,” he jokes, which makes Emma laugh. “I hope you like pancakes.”

“I fucking love pancakes.”

“Language.”

“Fuck you.”

He laughs at her, handing her a plate, before waking up her sleeping fiance. Alyssa groans as she gets up, but gratefully accepts her plate of food. “Barry, you’re my favorite person on this god forsaken planet,” she mumbles sleepily.

“Wow,” Emma jokes. “I see how it is.”

“Barry, you’re my favorite man on this planet,” she leans down to peck Emma’s lips. “Better?”

“Yes.”

The breakfast goes rather smoothly, and soon both girls are getting ready for their day. Alyssa has classes to catch up on, while Barry and Emma decide to go to the   
pharmacy to get refills on all of the meds both girls are on and then run some errands. By the time they get back Alyssa is already home, scrolling through Instagram. “Can we   
go to the park?” she says as soon as the two are in the door.

“I don’t see why not,” Emma says. “Like on a date or?”

“Yeah, just the two of us. No offense Barry.”

“None taken,” he smiles. “I’ll start making lunch while the two of you do that if you want?”

“Oh my gosh, you don’t have to. I feel bad that you’re basically taking care of us.”

“Trust me, I love this,” he jokingly shoos the two out of the dorm. “Go, have fun, be young!”

Emma rolls her eyes while grabbing her jacket. “We’ll be back before one,” she assures as Alyssa takes her hand. “Or sometime around then. I think this one wants to walk.”

Alyssa nods, leaning her head on Emma’s arm. The two walk out of the door and down to the park hand in hand, taking and laughing about everything they see. “You know, we never could do this in Indiana,” Emma sighs out happily. “Even after everything, if we were to walk down the park there, do you know how many dirty looks we would have gotten? How many parents would have yelled at us?”

“God forbid we introduce the children to,” Alyssa looks around dramatically before lowering her voice. “Happiness.”

Emma bursts out laughing, leaning her head on top of Alyssa’s. “You are my happiness.”

The two girls walk around for a bit longer, smiling at the kids that are playing in the playground. Emma kisses her suddenly, which makes Alyssa do a double take for a second. “Sorry,” she says sheepishly. “I just, seeing all these kids and happy parents, it just makes me think.”

“What do you mean?”

“I want a future with you. Like a real future, with kids and dogs and maybe even a cat if we’re crazy. I want birthday parties and giving dating advice and watching little people that we made grow into amazing human beings. I want them to live in a world that is better because we did something about it.”

“We can have that future,” Alyssa caresses her cheek with her hand. “I will make sure we have it.”

“You can’t say that,” Emma shakes her head. “You can’t say we can have that when we don’t know if I’m going to be alive in a year.”

“Emma,” Alyssa grabs her chin so that she has to look up at her. “You are the strongest person I know. I can’t promise that everything will be okay, or that anything will ever go back to normal, but do you know what I can promise?”

“What?”

“I promise that however long you have left, whether that be six months or six hundred years, I will make sure that your life is worth fighting for. Do you understand me? I would do anything for you Emma Nolan, and no matter how much time we have left together I will always be right here.”

“You really mean that?”

“Fuck yes.”

“Fuck yes,” suddenly Emma stops, smiling mischievously.

“Oh god, what did you do?”

“So, you know how me and Barry went out while you were at class?”

“Mmhmm,” she raises an eyebrow.

Emma suddenly pulls out a box from her pocket, getting down on one knee. Alyssa’s eyes fill with tears, her hands covering her mouth as she gasps. “Baby-”

“I wanted to do it properly,” Emma begins to cry. “Alyssa Greene, I’m asking you again, will you marry me?”

“Yes, yes, a thousand times yes!”

She jumps up to kiss her fiance, who kisses back before suddenly stopping. Alyssa opens her eyes, confused, anf finds Emma’s whole body shaking, her eyes staring straight ahead but showing no emotion. “Emma? EMMA?!” she tries to help the girl gently to the ground, but her limbs are suddenly jerking in unnatural directions.

There are people rushing into help now, and someone says he’s calling an ambulance. Alyssa tries to get Emma to calm down, but her eyes refuse to focus on anything. She begins to cry as her fiance continues to move spastic-ally.

Suddenly, Emma’s eyes close, and she begins to fall.


	8. My Everything

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> so. whose hiring a hitman to take me out

“What the hell is going on?” Alyssa’s voice comes out with a choking sob, her eyes begging Dr. Andrews for something, anything, to hold onto.

“I don’t know,” he sounds exasperated, as if he had been working on the answer all night, which really he had.

The ambulance had rushed Emma to the hospital the day before, two paramedics having to restrain her so that she wouldn’t hurt someone with her spastic movements. What was going on was an easy answer: she was having a seizure. The problem was, no one could figure out why. Dr. Andrews had come in a few hours after she had been admitted, and since he had the night shift he was put in charge of figuring it out.

“What do you mean you don’t know?” Barry’s voice is tired, but angry. “How can you not know?”

“Her MRI scans are going to be back any minute,” he sighs. “I’m so sorry. You know I want to give you all of the answers, I just don’t have them yet.”

Barry looks like he’s going to swing on the poor man, so Alyssa grabs his hand in order to stop him. He stares at her for a minute before taking a deep breath and beginning to back down. “I’m sorry,” he shakes his head. “I just-”

“I understand,” Dr. Andrews smiles a little at him. “And I promise, we are doing everything in our power to figure out what’s going on.”

Barry nods, just as a nurse comes into the waiting room. “Emma Nolan’s MRI results are back, I think you need to look at them. Now.”

The urgency laced in her voice makes Alyssa’s heart stop. Dr. Andrews says a quick goodbye before walking back into the ICU, leaving Alyssa and Barry alone in the waiting room, staring at each other. “What are we-”

“I don’t know,” Barry cuts off the younger girl. 

She nods and leans back into her chair, taking her phone out. She has a couple of missed texts, mostly from Angie, but there’s one from her mother. “Call me.”

Alyssa tells Barry that she’ll be right back, and then walks outside to take the call. As soon as her mother answers she begins to cry. “Mom, it’s so bad,” she sobs, her voice barely audible hidden under the crying. 

“Oh Superstar,” she sighs, trying to figure out the right thing to say to her daughter. “What happened?”

“She had a seizure, and no one can figure out why. We were having such a good day and then everything just went to hell. I’m so scared.”

She whispers the last part, not sure whether or not she should let her mother in on that little secret. To be honest, she hadn’t told anyone that. Emma was the one who   
was sick, Emma was the one who should be scared. Alyssa kept telling herself that she had to be the strong one, that she had to remain calm and happy for her fiance or everything would go wrong. Truthfully, though, she was terrified. All of her worst fears were coming true right before her eyes and there was nothing that she could do about it.

“You have every right to be scared,” Mrs. Greene responds, her voice firm but loving. “Anyone in this situation would be. It’s terrifying to not know what’s going to happen next.”

Alyssa chokes on a sob, and she doesn’t try to talk again as her mother whispers comforting things into the phone. Sliding down the wall, she lets the tears pour from her   
eyes, and for once in her life she doesn’t care how much noise she makes while she cries. She is Alyssa Greene, and she is terrified.

Nothing gets better when Barry comes to get her.  
...  
“The cancer is further along than we realized,” Dr. Andrews rubs his temples. “There is no easy way to say this-”

“What about the surgery?” Alyssa pipes up. 

“We can’t,” he shakes his head. “Your white blood cell counts are too low, there’s too high of a chance that you would bleed out on the table. It’s too risky, and I’m not even sure if it would work. There’s always the chance that her body rejects the transplant, or that the cancer comes back.”

“What happens if she doesn’t get the surgery? What happens if we don’t at least try?”

Dr. Andrews doesn’t respond, so Alyssa knows the answer. “Let me do it. I’ll sign whatever waiver you need me to. I want to do this.”

Sighing, Dr. Andrews stands up. “I’ll go get the paperwork.”

The next hour and a half are spent filling out papers and waivers and forms of consent that promise that Alyssa knows the risk she is taking by having this surgery. There are calls made to Mrs. Greene, Betsy, and the Broadway stars who all wish her well. Mrs. Greene tells her that she’s hopping on the next flight, but that she supports her decision. Now there was only one person left to sign: Emma.

Alyssa approaches her room cautiously, almost how one would approach the pen of a rabid animal that they weren’t sure would attack them or not. She’s lying on her bed, staring at the ceiling, one hand lying limp with an IV, the other clutched around the waist of her teddy bear. “Hey,” Alyssa says softly. “How are you feeling?”

“Shitty,” she says simply, not bothering to look up.

“Uh, we need to talk about something?”

“What?”

“I need you to sign the consent forms saying I can give you a bone marrow transplant.”

This gets her attention, and she turns her head slightly to look at her fiance. “I thought you had to wait a couple of weeks.”

“Emma, we don’t have a couple of weeks,” her voice is pleading, begging her fiance to let her do this. “Please.”

“No.”

“Excuse me?”

“This isn’t worth both of us dying for. We don’t even know if the transplant will work! I’m not risking your life.”

“You aren’t risking my life, I am!”

The room is in silence for a second, before Emma forces herself into a sitting position. “Emma, please don’t-”

“Why would you do this for me?”

Alyssa’s eyes fill with tears, her voice breaking as she exclaims, “Because I love you, Emma Nolan! I love you so much that it kills me inside to see you hurting! Please, let   
me do this.”

Emma closes her eyes for a second, before reaching her hand out. “Give me the pen.”  
…  
“Okay dear, we’re going to put this mask over you, and then you’re gonna start counting backwards from 100 for me alright?”

Alyssa nods as they slip the anesthesia over her mouth. By the time she reaches 90 her numbers are blending together, and soon she can’t remember where she is or what is going on. 

She dreams of Emma. In her dream they’re back in high school, dancing the night away at prom. The Broadway stars are there, cheering them on as they kiss in front of   
everyone. All of her fears are slipping away as she looks into her girlfriend’s gorgeous eyes, and now everything in the world is right again. "I want to show you something," dream Emma whispers, finding herself pressed against her girlfriend's side. "There's this room in the back of the school. I don't think anyone's been in there in forever."

Alyssa smiles at her and nods, not saying anything as she follows her girlfriend back into the school. They travel down a hallway that seems like it takes hours to walk down, before coming across a door that Alyssa has never seen. When Emma opens it, there's a warm, bright light coming out of it. It seems to call her towards it, begging her to dive head first into it. Emma steps into it, one foot in, one foot out. She holds her hand out towards Alyssa. "Come with me?"  
…

“Are the girls in surgery?” it’s the first thing Angie says when she sees Barry.

“Yes,” he smiles sadly. “No updates yet, but they’ve told me that no news is good news.”

He gets up to hug her, as well as Trent and Dee Dee who are right behind her. Betsy comes in a little while later, tearful and looking terrified. Mrs. Greene is the last to   
arrive, and the only one who doesn’t get a hug. She sits stiffly and awkwardly in one of the chairs, staring at her phone for the better half of an hour. No one says anything, they’re all too afraid to.

Dr. Andrews walks in nearly an hour later, his lab coat covered in blood. Everyone stands, waiting for him to say something, anything. Instead, he sighs and rubs his   
temples. “There were complications,” closing his eyes tightly, it’s obvious that he is also upset.

“What kind of complications?” Mrs. Greene steps forward, speaking for the first time since she got there.

“I don’t know if Alyssa Greene is going to make it through the night.”


	9. Icky Feelings

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> if anyone can guess the musical i reference in this chapter you win

The night is rough. No one sleeps, not even Barry who had barely slept the night before. Everyone waits in the lobby, anxiously wanting to hear news about either of the girls. Even Mrs. Greene gratefully accepts a hug from Angie and a cup of coffee from Dee Dee around three in the morning, when everything seems its scariest. For some reason it feels like when it’s that dark outside bad things are bound to happen.

Morning comes with no updates. It’s nearly ten a.m. before Dr. Andrews walks in, his eyes tired as he sits in a chair across from the Broadway crew and Mrs. Greene. “We managed to stop the bleeding,” he smiles, the exhaustion showing through. “She had to be monitored all night before we could put her into the recovery room, but she’s going to be okay.”

It’s as if the entire room has taken a sigh of relief. The air is lighter, and Mrs. Greene begins to cry. Dee Dee and Angie pull her into a hug as she grins, before asking if they can see Alyssa. Dr. Andrews nods, leading them into the ICU. Alyssa is in a room by herself, but there’s an empty bed next to her. “Once Emma’s out she’ll stay there,” Dr. Andrews explains. “Alyssa’s awake but she’s probably a bit delirious.”

Mrs. Greene nods as she pulls a chair up to the side of her bed, smiling a little at her daughter. “Mom?” she mumbles sleepily, rubbing her eyes. “Is that you?”

“Yes, hey Superstar,” she reaches her hand out, running her fingers through her hair. “How are you feeling?”

“Icky.”

Mrs. Greene hadn’t heard her say that word since she was little, and it almost makes her tear up a little. The last time she had said that word had been fifteen years earlier, in a very different situation.

_“Is she still running a fever?” Mrs. Greene was exhausted, she had spent the entire night lying on the floor next to her four-year-old daughter’s bed._

_“Yes,” her husband sighs, laying the girl back into the bed. “It’s going down though, she’s only at a 101 now.”_

_“Should we call Dr. Thomas? She said if it wasn’t broken by tomorrow-”_

_“Exactly, tomorrow,” Mr. Greene runs a hand through his dark brown curls, the same ones that Alyssa had. “For now, we just need to watch her. I know yesterday scared you.”_

_“She’s never been this sick before,” Mrs. Greene can’t help as the tears well in her eyes. “This is the first time she’s ever had a real fever and of course it had to go tp 103! It isn’t fair.”_

_“I know,” he took his wife into his arms. “But we’re going to get through this together. Just like we do everything else.”_

_Mrs. Greene nods, just as Alyssa wakes up from her restless sleep. “Hey baby, how are you feeling?” she knelt by the bed, running her fingers through her curls._

_“Icky,” Alyssa held her arms out, wanting nothing more than cuddles from her mother._

_The thing was, that would be the last time that the Greenes truly took care of their daughter together. It was less than a month later that he was gone, and Mrs. Greene dealt with everything that hurt her daughter afterwards. When Alyssa reached out, only her mother was there. She was there with birthday cards, fishing trips, job support, homework tips, and everything else she could think of to give her daughter a normal childhood._

“You must be feeling pretty icky,” Mrs. Greene kisses her head. “I’m so proud of you, you know that?”

Alyssa smiles a little before closing her eyes, lying back down on her bed. All she wants to do is sleep the rest of this pain away. Mrs. Greene watches as she drifts off, then looks up at the Broadway stars and Betsy staring down at her. “Thank you,” she sighs, letting the tears fall from her eyes. “For taking care of her I mean. You have no idea what it means to me that you care about her so much. I don’t think anyone has cared that much about her since my ex husband.”

“We love her,” Angie says simply, sitting down next to her. “And I know that we had a rough start, but you should know that we’re here for you if you need anything.”

Mrs. Greene hugs her tightly, and Angie rubs her back. The door opens suddenly, and Emma is wheeled in, her eyes still shut tightly. Dr. Andrews is grinning behind the nurses wheeling her in. “Good news,” he rushes towards the Broadway stars and Betsy. “The surgery went really well! She should be up in a few hours. We won’t know for sure if the transplant worked for a couple of weeks, so just make sure you’re monitoring her until our follow up appointment. The same for Alyssa, just to make sure she doesn’t have any side effects.”

Everyone nods, and Dr. Andrews says goodbye before walking out. For that moment, there is peace.  
…  
“Little lesbians!” Barry calls as he enters the dorm using the key the girls had given him. “It’s time for our walk!”

“You just don’t believe in knocking do you?” Emma groans, forcing herself into a sitting position. “Do we have to do this today? ‘Lys was up all night crying.”

Barry frowns. These walks had become routine in the past two weeks when the girls had gotten discharged. It wasn’t like them to try and get out of them. “We don’t have to,” he sighs, closing the door behind him. “Is everything okay?”

Alyssa looks up from the bundle of blankets she’s under and shakes her head, prompting Barry to walk close enough to feel her forehead. “You aren’t warm. Didn’t Dr. Andrews say she might feel sore?”

“Yeah,” Emma sighs. “But I thought we wouldn’t have to worry about it this far along.”

Barry smiles sympathetically. “He said it could sneak up on her at any minute,” ruffling her hair a little, he pulls a chair up to the bed. “Well, since we aren’t going for a walk, I have an even better idea for something to do today.”

Grabbing his bag he takes out a binder labelled “Emma and Alyssa.” “What the hell is that?” Emma asks, slipping her glasses back onto her face.

“Wedding planning!” he grins. 

Alyssa seems more alert now, and Barry shows off the ideas that he has. They spend nearly three hours picking everything out, from the venue to the dresses the bridesmaids would wear. Emma is deep into suit-shopping online when she feels a sharp pain in her side. “Ow,” she shifts, trying to get more comfortable.

“Are you okay?” Alyssa’s voice is laced with concern, scanning over her girlfriend carefully with her eyes. “What’s wrong?”

“Nothing,” Emma shakes her head. “Just felt a little off.”

Alyssa raises an eyebrow, snuggling herself close to Emma. Emma sighs and puts her arms around her, kissing the top of her head. “I’m fine, just sore.”

Funny what “just sore” can turn into.   
…  
“Barry?” Emma says a few hours later, when Alyssa is fast asleep and the two of them are doing the dishes in the sink. “Can you stay here tonight?”

“Sure,” he looks concerned for a minute. “Is everything okay?”

“I’m just… nervous,” she sighs. “What if the transplant didn’t work? What if when I go in tomorrow they tell me that I’m going to die?”

“Emma,” Barry sets his dishes down, putting his hands on her shoulders. “It’s going to be alright?”

“How can you say that?” she shakes her head, tears stinging at her eyes. When had she gotten so emotional? It was like no matter what anyone said she was suddenly bursting into hysterics. “How do you know that everything is going to be okay? _I could die in a month Barry_.”

He doesn’t have anything to say that. He didn’t know what he was supposed to say to that. There are a thousand different ways that the appointment the next day could go, a thousand different outcomes. 

Since Barry doesn’t know what to say, he simply hugs the young girl as she cries, promising that he’ll be there for whatever comes next.  
…  
“Emma, honey, take a deep breath,” Barry squeezes her hand. 

Emma’s leg was bouncing as if it were a kangaroo hyped up on caffeine about to run a marathon. She was leaning on Alyssa, who continuously kissed her head and whispered sweet nothings into her ear. When Emma closed her eyes she could pretend that Alyssa was running her fingers through her hair back in her bedroom at Betsy’s, the two of them watching a movie as she fell asleep. She wished she were there, instead of waiting for Dr. Andrews to tell her whether or not her transplant was successful.

Dr. Andrews opens the door to the hospital room, and Emma opens her eyes. “How are you feeling?” he asks, pulling up a chair to the side of her bed.

“I’ll feel better if you give me good news.”

“Well, your results are in…”


	10. Sometimes Life is a Ferris Wheel

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> look i tried to be cute for once
> 
> also i know it's short but i'm still kinda sick and i wanted to get a chapter out so i'm sorry

Emma wakes up with a start, her face and sheets drenched in sweat. Tears begin to pool in her eyes as her breath comes out in raggedy, shallow spurts. The emotions are overwhelming, but she doesn’t want to wake up Alyssa. The girl hadn’t gotten any sleep the previous night, waking her up now would just make her cranky. It would make her hate her, she would call of the wedding and-

“Baby?” Alyssa’s eyes open sleepily as she sits up a little in bed, reaching out for Emma. “What’s wrong?”

“I had a nightmare about the appointment, I didn’t get to hear the news, what if I…”

She trails off, refusing to even think about the word. Alyssa reaches out in the dark for her, pulling her into her arms and cradling her like a small child. “It’s going to be okay,” she whispers softly, kissing her head. “I’ve got you.”

Emma relaxes in her arms, snuggling her head into the crook of her girlfriend’s neck. “I love you so much,” kissing her temple, Alyssa sneakily checks for a fever, and luckily she doesn’t find one.

“I love you too,” Emma mumbles. “Thank you.”

“Always.”  
…  
“So, we have a few hours,” Alyssa sighs, pulling some cereal out of the pantry. “What do you want to do? It’s not healthy for you to be cooped up in this room with all your anxiety all day.”

“So I can go be an anxious mess in public? Yeah, that’s a great idea.”

“I was hoping to get your mind off of things,” Alyssa shakes her head. “The fair’s in town. It would be just like last summer when we went to the carnival, huh?”

Emma sighs, thinking over her choices. Barry takes the cereal from Alyssa and begins to make himself a bowl, then one for Emma. He brings it to her, and after she’s taken a bite of it she seems to decide. “Okay, let’s go to the fair,” she smiles a little. 

“Good!” Barry grins. “You two do that, and I’ll stay here and clean the apartment.”

“You don’t need to do that,” Emma shakes her head. “You’re our guest, you shouldn’t have-”

“It’s no trouble,” Barry puts his hand up to silence her. “Trust me, I want to do this. It needs it.”

All three of them laugh, and the girl finish up breakfast before heading out. Alyssa drives them, and by the time they get there Emma’s eyes are lit up with excitement. After paying for admission tickets, the two decide to go on every roller coaster they see. Thankfully, neither of them have weak stomachs, so they can get a lot done in a short amount of time. By the time they’ve done all of the thrill rides, Emma is starting to tire out. “What about the ferris wheel?” Alyssa points up at it. “It’ll be relaxing.”

Emma agrees, leaning on her girlfriend as they get into the line. By the time they get into their seats she can barely keep her eyes open, but she forces them to as she feels it begin to move. 

The thing about a ferris wheel is that there’s a few moments where you stop at the very top, and you can see the entire fair below you. All the people below look like ants, and it makes any problem you have feel like it’s just as small. Up here, Emma doesn’t have to worry about cancer or doctor’s appointments or bone marrow transplants. Up here, she is free.

When Emma was little, she would claim that these moments, the ones where she could see everything for miles, were the best in her entire life because she could see the whole world. Her parents would laugh at her, and tell her that it was impossible for her to see the whole world. She wishes she could go back and tell them they were wrong, because in this moment she sees her whole world more vividly than she ever has before. That’s because Alyssa is staring right back at her.   
Alyssa kisses her softly, and Emma holds her face close to her own, caressing her cheek with her thumb. “I love you so much,” she whispers, pressing her lips to Alyssa’s again.

“I love you more,” she pulls back a little to look into her eyes.

“Make me a promise?”

“Anything.”

“No matter what happens, it’s you and me. I we get bad news today or we don’t. Even if we get the worst news possible, we stick together.”

“Always,” Alyssa whispers, pecking her lips. “I will never leave you Emma Nolan.”

“Fuck yeah?”

“Fuck yeah.”  
…  
They’re nearly out of the park when Emma suddenly grabs Alyssa’s hand, dragging her in the opposite direction. Alyssa doesn’t know what’s going on until she spots the stand with all of the bottles set up and giant teddy bears hanging from it. “Baby, those are so rigged,” she shakes her head, but she can’t help but smile at the way Emma’s eyes are lit up.

“Not always! Remember when I won you that bear last summer?”

Alyssa giggles a little. “Yeah, I do. I still have that you know? It’s sitting on my bed at home.”

“Really?”

“Yeah.”

“Well, get ready to replace it!” she grins, pulling out her wallet. “I’m gonna win you a new one.”

“You have lost your mind,” Alyssa rolls her eyes. 

Emma gasps playfully. “You have no faith,” she gives the money to the man at the front, who hands her a bucket of baseballs.

“Did you buy a whole bucket?”

“Maybe.”

Alyssa laughs, taking a seat at the bench near the booth. It isn’t until a few minutes later that she hears a bell, as if someone had won something, and then turns around to see Emma struggling to hold up a bear that is bigger than she is. “How the hell-”

“Don’t ask questions, just help me!” she laughs.

Alyssa grabs one side of the bear while Emma supports the other, and somehow they make it back to the car. “Now, as I was saying,” Alyssa begins as she buckles her own seat belt. “How the hell did you win that?”

“Knocked down the bottles.”

“How?! Those things are rigged.”

Emma shrugs, suddenly wincing when Alyssa goes to turn on the radio. “You okay?”

“Yeah, my head just hurts. I think I just over exhausted myself.”

Alyssa smiles sympathetically and picks up her hand, kissing it softly. They still have another two hours before they have to meet Barry at the hospital, so she decides to just drive for a little while, hoping that the low drone of the car would help her fiance fall asleep. She’s right in her theory, because not ten minutes later Emma is curled up against the window, soft snores escaping her lips. 

She drives until she reaches the heart of the city, where the buildings overtake the skyline. Alyssa had found herself feeling resentful towards the skyline recently, because every time she looked up it reminded her too much of the things her mother used to tell her when she was a kid. Specifically when her grandfather passed away.

“Good people go to Heaven,” she had whispered when Alyssa had asked where her Papa was, pointing towards the sky as if it held the answers. “That’s where Papa is now, watching over all of us.”

She didn't like her answer then, and she really didn't like it now. Was she supposed to stop being sad because her grandfather was a good person and had gotten into Heaven? Was "he's watching over you" supposed to dry the tears falling down her face? Alyssa didn’t know how she felt about Heaven and Hell, she didn’t truly know if she believed in them anymore. All she knew right now was that looking at the sky made her think about her fiance and about the trials she was facing. Looking at the sky made Alyssa wonder how much longer Emma had until she too joined the stars.

But for now, with snores still leaving her lips every breath, and the way her nose crinkled when Alyssa ran her fingers through her hair, Emma was safe. For now, everything was okay.


	11. Stick to the Plan

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> feel free to leave your thoughts

“Hey honey,” Angie hands the young girl a cup of water as they sit in her hospital room.

The other three Broadway stars had all arrived while Alyssa and Emma had been at the fair. Now, Alyssa had stepped out to get some coffee with the men and Dee Dee, and Angie had decided to grab some water for Emma. “How are you feeling?”

“Scared,” she admits, leaning her head on her shoulder. “What happens if we get bad news?”

“We figure out the next step,” Angie runs her fingers through the younger girl’s curls. “But let’s not worry about that until we get there, yeah?”

Emma nods, sipping on her water. Alyssa walks in and sits on the other side of her, crossing her legs so that she can pull Emma into her lap. “What are you doing?” Emma laughs a little, but leans on her fiance.

“I love you,” Alyssa mumbles, kissing her head. “And I missed you.”

“You were gone for five minutes.”

“That’s five minutes too long.”

Emma rolls her eyes but pecks Alyssa’s lips, smiling at her girlfriend. It's only a few minutes later that Dr. Andrews walks in holding the file with all of Emma’s information. “How are you feeling today Emma?” he asks, pulling a chair up to her bed.

“Eh, tired but it’s been a good day.”

“Yeah?”

“We went on a date to the fair,” she grins, pulling Alyssa close to her. “I won her a teddy bear.”

“It’s bigger than she is,” Alyssa laughs, which makes Dr. Andrews laugh as well.

“I’m glad you had a good day,” he smiles. “Now, we’re going to run a couple of blood tests, and then I’m going to do another bone marrow test, kind of like the day you got diagnosed alright?”

Emma nods, squeezing Alyssa’s hand as they stick the needles in her arm. She’s gotten so used to this that she doesn’t even cry, she barely even winces when it happens. Still, Alyssa tightens her grip when she feels her fiance tense up, and kisses her head after each one, telling her that she’s so proud of her. Emma doesn’t want to admit it, but when Alyssa whispers like that it makes her feel all warm and fuzzy on the inside.

It isn’t until the bone marrow test that she really gets nervous again, closing her eyes tightly as they do it. Alyssa tells her when it’s over, but Emma already knew it because she can feel them wrapping her arm with the bandage. The nurse smiles at her before leaving, and Emma relaxes against her fiance. “I love you,” Alyssa says softly, kissing the top of her head. “Like so, so much.”

“I love you too,” Emma smiles a little, nestling her head in the crook of her neck. “Thank you for staying with me.”

“Always,” Alyssa pecks her lips, carefully running her fingers through her curls. 

Emma doesn’t like how long her tests take. She remembers the day she got diagnosed, and she swears that it only took seconds for them to get her the results. She tries to tell herself that was the fear, and that she doesn’t remember correctly. “‘Lys,” she calls out, looking up at her fiance. “How long did the results take when I got diagnosed?”

“Um, maybe half an hour? It wasn’t long.”

“How long have we been waiting for these?”

“Only twenty minutes,” Alyssa kisses her head. “Baby, don’t worry about stuff like that.”

“She’s right,” Angie pulls her chair up to the bed. “Stuff like this never has a definite time. It all depends on whose on shift, how many people they have working, even how many patients.”

Emma nods, letting herself relax a little against Alyssa. Her fiance kisses the top of her head, before leaning down to peck her lips. 

Twenty minutes later Dr. Andrews walks in, holding what Emma assumes are her results. “Girls,” he sighs. “We should talk.”

Emma wants to close her eyes and pretend she’s at the fair again. She wants to pretend that she’s on the ferris wheel again, staring a the people below her. She kind of   
wishes that they had gotten stuck up there, having no choice but to stare into her beautiful fiance’s eyes as the rest of the world melted away. She just keeps repeating in her head over and over, the ferris wheel, the ferris wheel, the ferris wheel.

But here’s the thing about the ferris wheel.

_Eventually you have to hit the ground again._

“I’m so sorry,” she somehow missed his news, lost in her little daydream land, but now Alyssa is crying and so are all four Broadway stars. She thinks that maybe she should cry, but she doesn’t really want to.

“How long?” Alyssa’s voice breaks her out of her trance.

“Hard to tell,” Dr. Andrews sighs. “Three months, maybe. It all depends on how her body reacts.”

Alyssa nods, and now Emma notices just how tight her grip is around her. It’s like Alyssa is afraid to let go of her because she’s scared she’ll lose her. Maybe she really is.

There’s a lot more talking, but Emma doesn’t really participate in it; she doesn’t want to. All she wants to do is snuggle with Alyssa, who seems intent on keeping her comfortable. Eventually they have to get up, they have to go back to the car, and she even knows that soon they’re going to have to talk about the news they just received. Right now, though, she’s tired. She wants to collapse on her bed and fall asleep. She doesn’t even wait for Alyssa before she closes her eyes.  
…  
“I’m gonna go for a walk,” Alyssa says softly. “Can you guys watch her?”

The four nod, and Angie says to text her if she needs anything. Alyssa slips out of the door without another word, not bothering to wipe away the tears streaming from her face. What’s the point? They’ll only return every time she thinks about what she learned.

_Emma is going to die._

How? This had to be a bad dream. She was going to wake up and everything was going to be okay. Maybe they hadn’t even gone to the appointment yet, maybe she had fallen asleep on the ferris wheel. They were going to get good news, and everything was going to be okay.

She didn’t remember going outside, but somehow she was now sitting at a picnic table in the park beside the dorms. The same park where Emma had her seizure just weeks ago. It feels like everywhere she goes she thinks about her fiance. There’s always something that they’ve seen together or done together. There are constant reminders of what is going to happen.

“Hi,” a little boy stares up at her, holding out a lollipop. “You look sad.”

She wants to yell at this kid, she wants to scream at him and cry, but she doesn’t. He’s just a kid. “I am pretty sad,” she agrees.

“This is for you!” he smiles, and sets the piece of candy in her hand. “They were my mommy’s favorite food, so whenever I see someone sad I give them away.”

“That’s very nice of you.”

“Mama says Mommy smiles every time I give them away, that’s why it’s so sunny right now!”

She smiles politely at him, and he decides to join her at the table. “Do you believe in Heaven?”

“I don’t know,” she sighs. “Do you?”

“I think my mommy is out there,” he smiles. “It’s not sad that way. She’s never really gone.”

Alyssa smiles a little at him, before his other mother joins them at the table. “Alec, why don’t you go play with May. I’ll keep your new friend company,” as the little boy nods, she turns to Alyssa. “Rough day?”

The woman can’t be much older than her, she looks to be around twenty-five or so. “Yeah,” she shakes her head. “I found out my fiance’s cancer is terminal.”

“That sucks,” she says bluntly, but rubs her arm comfortingly. “I’m sorry. The same thing happened to me two years ago.”

“Really?”

“Yeah, his mom,” she glances towards Alec, who is now happily swinging with a little girl. “I adopted him not long after. We hadn’t been engaged or anything, so getting custody was a nightmare. It didn’t help that her parents hated me.”

“I feel that,” Alyssa smiles a little. “Does it… does it ever get easier?”

“No,” she responds honestly. “You always have a little hole in your heart where that person used to be.”

“What… what should I do?”

“Everything, do everything you’ve ever wanted to that you can. The biggest regret you’ll have are the things you don’t get to.”

“Thank you,” Alyssa whispers softly as tears begin to run down her face again.

The mother gets up and hugs her, telling her that it’ll be alright. “I should give you my number,” she says suddenly. “If you need anything you can call me. I live down the street.”

“So do I,” she sniffles. “I’m Alyssa, by the way.”

“I’m Tobin.”  
…  
“Hey babygirl,” Alyssa immediately wraps her in a hug when she wakes up, kissing the top of her head.

“Hi,” Emma snuggles close to her. 

“I had an idea,” she sighs, pulling out her phone. “Do you remember that list we made last summer? Right before we left for college?”

“The bucket list?” Emma guesses.

“We’re going to do all of it,” Alyssa states matter-of-factly. “We’ll go to Hawaii, we’ll start a gun control rally on campus, all of it. At the end we’ll get married and live together for the rest of…”

She trails off, not wanting to finish her sentence. “Okay,” Emma smiles at her, leaning up to kiss her softly. “Fuck yeah?”

“Fuck yeah.”


	12. Bucket Lists

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> hi so.... this is a lot. like 3000 words longer than what i usually write. i got excited

“Good morning,” Emma greets when she wakes up the next morning, finding that all of the Broadway stars are sitting in her dorm. “How exactly did you get in here?”

“Barry has a key,” Dee Dee explains.

“Oh right. Don’t you all have lives and shows to get back to?”

“Nope.”

“What do you mean no?”

“We’re taking the next three months off.”

“You can’t- why would you do that? It could destroy your careers.”

“Emma,” Angie sits next to her on the bed. “I don’t know how many times we have to say this, but you are so much more important than our careers.”

Emma feels her eyes well up with tears, and Angie pulls her into a hug. Before she knows it, the other three have joined, and when Alyssa re-enters the room she finds them huddled together in a group hug, all of them crying a little. “What I miss?” she asks, throwing her keys onto the counter.

“I have never been more loved in my entire life,” Emma sniffles.

“I could’ve told you that silly,” Alyssa laughs a little, pecking her fiance’s lips.

“What’d you go get?”

Alyssa grins, revealing a bag with poster board and markers inside of it. Emma looks up at her, obviously confused, so she tells her to give her a minute. A little while later the poster board has an official title: “The Bucket List.” “Okay, we need ideas,” Alyssa points towards Barry. “Go.”

“I think you two should go see the Northern Lights,” he suggests. “Up in Finland, you could even visit the Santa Claus village.”

“I do love Christmas,” Emma sighs happily.

“Good job,” Alyssa writes it down on the board before pointing at Dee Dee. “You’re up.”

“A night on the town- well the city. You could stay with one of us in New York, and you could do everything you’ve ever wanted there.”

Emma jokingly raises her hand. “I wanna see Trent in Shrek.”

Trent glares at her. “I retired from that.”

“Not anymore you haven’t,” Alyssa laughs, writing it down as well. “Okay Angie, you’re up.”

“I think you should go on a hot air balloon date,” she smiles at the girls. “I hear there are some great ones in the Loire Valley in France.”

“It’ll be like being on the ferris wheel again, but better,” Emma sighs happily.

“You’re a genius,” Alyssa grins at Angie before writing it down. “Trent?”

“Em, didn’t you say something about wanting to go snorkeling?”

“Yes,” she looks up grinning. 

“My family has a house in Key West,” he explains. “You could stay there and go snorkeling.”

Emma nods enthusiastically while Alyssa writes it down. “Alright Em, what do you want to do more than anything in the entire world?”

“I… never mind. It’s dumb.”

“I bet it isn’t stupid,” Alyssa sets the marker down and comes to sit next to her. “C’mon Em, what do you want to do?”

“I never got to perform for an audience. I mean, I did Unruly Heart online, but I’ve never gotten to perform for a true live audience. But that’s not something that we can just put on a list and have it magically happen.”

“Darling,” Barry smiles softly at her. “I think you’re forgetting that you have four friends in show business. We can pull some strings for you.”

“Really?” her head perks up, and all four of the Broadway stars smile at her.

“I’m already calling my manager,” Dee Dee grins, taking out her phone before stepping outside of the room.

“How are we going to pay for all of this?” Emma stares at Alyssa in astonishment. 

“Don’t worry about that honey,” Angie reassures. “We have everything handled. 

“You don’t have to do this,” she shakes her head.

“Emma, my sweet little lesbian,” Barry pulls her into a hug. “We want to. Please, let us.”

She nods into his shoulder, as Alyssa puts the finishing touch on the list. “At the end of all of it we’ll get married. Then I guess we’ll figure out what comes next.”

Emma nods. “I love you,” she whispers softly. “I love you all so, so much.”  
…  
“You okay baby?” Alyssa’s hand finds Emma’s as they wait for the plane to take off. 

“I’m gonna be really honest.” She takes a shaky breath. “I’ve never been on a plane before, and I think I’m having a panic attack.”

“Whoa, okay,” Alyssa cups her face in her hands. “Em, come back to me. You’re going to be okay, I promise.”

Emma nods, leaning into her touch. Alyssa smiles and rubs her thumb over her cheek before planting a small kiss on her head. “I love you,” she says softly.

“I love you too,” Emma smiles.

By the time they land, her nerves are finally beginning to calm, but the jet lag is severe. They stop at the “glass igloo” that they were staying in for a small nap, before riding into the Santa Claus Village. “‘Lys, ‘Lys, ‘Lys,” she hits her fiance’s arm excitedly. “They have snowmobiles.”

Alyssa giggles a little before taking her hand and dragging her to the snowmobiles. The guide explains that there’s a safari they can take, and Emma looks so excited that Alyssa immediately says yes. After a two hour trek they decide to walk around, and when Emma sees the post office she almost begins to cry.   
Taking Alyssa’s hand, she pulls her in there. After asking one of the “elves” for a piece of paper and pen, she sits down at a table and immediately begins to write. “Em,” Alyssa says cautiously, sitting down next to her. “I love you, but aren’t you a little old to be writing letters to Santa Claus?”

“I’m not writing to Santa,” she smiles a little. “I’m writing to you.”

“What?” Alyssa is dumbfounded as she watches her girlfriend continue to write.

“I’m not going to be around for Christmas,” she says sadly, never looking up from her paper. “And I read about this online. They’ll deliver it when Christmas gets here.”

Alyssa’s eyes well up with tears as her thoughts begin to become too much. _Emma isn’t going to be home for Christmas. They aren’t going to get to open presents or eat gingerbread cookies or sit by the fire and-_

“Done!” she triumphantly seals her letter before bringing it back to the front for the elf to take. “I put your home address on it, since I figured you’d be home for Christmas break and all.”

Home. Alyssa was wondering if she even had a home without Emma beside her. The blond notices her worry and puts her hand under her chin, forcing her to look up at her. “Is everything okay?” she asks, staring into Alyssa’s eyes.

“Yeah,” she shakes her head, trying to break herself out of her trance. “I’m just getting hungry I think.”

“I saw a restaurant back in the Snowman World. You down?”

“Fuck yeah,” she whispers it quietly because there are kids around and she really doesn’t think she can deal with an angry parent glaring at her.

“Fuck yeah,” Emma whispers back, pulling her in for a soft kiss.  
…  
After dinner the two girls decide to walk around the town a little bit. Alyssa doesn’t ignore the fact that Emma leans on her the entire time, or on her hand when they stop at a cafe to get some hot chocolate. “Jet lag finally getting to you?” she asks softly, reaching out to run her fingers through Emma’s curls.

“My head hurts,” she mumbles. “I’m sorry. I won’t complain, you planned this amazing trip, and now I’m just whining about it.”

“Baby,” she moves her chair closer to her so that Emma can lean on her. “You don’t have to apologize. Are you ready to turn in for the night?”

When her fiance nods, Alyssa kisses her head before helping her stand up. She doesn’t disregard the fact that her Emma feels warm, despite them being in Finland in February. They ride back out to the glass igloo, Emma managing to fall asleep on her fiance. Alyssa doesn’t mind it, but by the time they get back to the place they’re staying Emma’s body is far too warm to be okay. She manages to help her inside, before starting a pot of soup on the stove. Thank God Angie had reminded them to get groceries while they were there.

She walks towards the bed, finding Emma sitting cross-legged on it with a book, a fuzzy blanket draped over her shoulders. “Did you call Dr. Andrews?” she asks without looking away from the story in front of her.

“I did,” Alyssa climbs into the bed next to her, finally getting her attention. “He said just to monitor your fever, and as long as it doesn’t get too bad you should be fine.”

Emma nods, putting the book away. Alyssa pulls her into her lap, making sure to keep the blanket wrapped tightly around her. It’s unnatural how badly she’s shivering right now. “I’m sorry I’m ruining the trip,” Emma says sadly, nestling her head in the crook of Alyssa’s neck.

“Baby, you aren’t ruining anything.” Alyssa kisses her head, gently running her fingers through her hair. “There’s a reason we booked here instead of a hotel, look up.”

All around her, Emma can see the beautiful colors as they swirl into existence. She lets Alyssa adjust so that they’re both still snuggled close to each other, but both have a good view of the stars. “I love you,” Alyssa whispers, and Emma’s shiver is not a result of the fever.

“I love you too.”  
…  
“Are you sure this is a good idea?” Emma’s voice wavers as she steps into the basket. 

“Baby, you’re going to be fine,” Alyssa reaches out to grab her hand. “You’ve been on two airplanes this week, I know you can handle this.”

Emma squeaks a little as she stands next to Alyssa, and her fiance pulls her in close. The attendant ignites the flames, and they begin to slowly float above the clouds. Emma clings to Alyssa as if she is her life force, and Alyssa stays calm as she runs her fingers through her hair and kisses her head softly. 

When they reach the highest they’ll be and begin to move in other directions, though, Alyssa feels her stomach turn. “Em,” she says suddenly. “I think I need to sit down.”

Emma nods, carefully lowering her fiance onto the floor of the basket. The attendant asks if everything is okay, to which Emma tells her that her girlfriend is feeling ill. She tells the pair that they can land early if they need to, and when Alyssa doesn’t respond Emma tells her that it’s probably a good idea. 

Once back on the ground, Emma helps Alyssa onto the train, where she curls into her lap with her arms wrapped around her stomach. “I’m so sorry,” she’s crying by the time they reach their hotel room. “This is your trip. You should get to do the things you want. I ruined everything.”

“‘Lys,” Emma shakes her head in disbelief, cradling the girl carefully in her arms. “This trip isn’t about me. This trip is about us doing everything we want before it’s too late. I don’t want to do anything if it isn’t with you.”

Alyssa cries on her chest, and it’s honestly the first time she’s let herself do so. This entire time she’d convinced herself that she had to be strong for Emma, that she couldn’t let herself show the vulnerable side that was being eaten alive at the very thought of losing her.

“I’m going to miss you so much,” it’s the first time she’s said it out loud, the first time she has let the part of her be exposed.

“I’m gonna miss you too,” Emma whispers in response, not having nearly the same amount of emotional wreckage as her fiance. She finds it strange that she’s the one dying, yet she seems the least upset. She realizes now that it was true what her grandmother had told her the day her grandfather passed away. The worst part isn’t death itself, it’s the people you leave behind.  
…  
“How was Europe?” Dee Dee is quick to ask questions the second that they walk into her front door. “Did you two have fun?”

“Well Emma got a fever our first night in Finland.”

“Alyssa nearly threw up on the hot air balloon.”

“We got seated next to a homophobic redneck on the plane to here.”

“Oh and Barry’s on the phone with someone screaming in front of the building.”

“That’s… fun,” she sighs, ushering the girls inside. “Why don’t you two sit down? Do you want anything to drink?”

“We’re good,” Emma says, her voice growing more and more tired with each word. “Can I lay down?”

“Yeah honey,” Dee Dee looks concerned for a minute. “Your bed’s all set up in the guest room. I assumed you two would be sharing.”

“We always do,” Alyssa smiles thankfully. “Baby do you want me to come with you?”

Emma shakes her head, but still smiles happily when Alyssa kisses the top of her head. She stumbles into the bedroom, and Alyssa turns back to Dee Dee. “I think she’s just worn out. Jet lag has not been kind to her.”

Dee Dee nods, grabbing a glass of water. “Do you want anything?”

“Water, please.”

Dee Dee hands it to her before Barry comes into the room. “Who was on the phone?” Dee Dee questions, taking a sip of her water.

“Trent,” he rolls his eyes. “He doesn’t want to go back into his role as Lord Farquaad. I had to remind him who he was doing this for.”

Alyssa laughs a little, while Barry looks around. “Where’s the little lesbian?”

“Laying down,” Dee Dee says softly. “So don’t be too loud.”

“Is she feeling bad again? Because I have no idea if we’re going to get Trent to do this a different night.”

“She’s just tired,” Alyssa shakes her head. “You guys worry too much.”

Just as she says that, Emma comes stumbling back into the kitchen. “Hey baby, you okay?”

Emma nods, clinging to Alyssa’s waist. Alyssa shifts so she can run her fingers through her hair, sneakily checking for a fever in the process. “Baby, you’re really warm,” she frowns, moving her hand to her forehead. “That’s concerning. Dee Dee do you have a thermometer?”

Dee Dee nods before grabbing it from her bathroom and handing it to Alyssa. She slips into Emma’s mouth, who surprisingly doesn’t put up a fight. That’s when the brunette knows this must be bad.

Alyssa sighs at the numbers glaring back at her whens she takes it back out. “Baby, that’s too high,” she hands the thermometer back to Dee Dee and helps Emma sit down. “Do you have any fever reducers?”

“Yeah, I bought some yesterday. I’ll be right back.”

Alyssa caresses Emma’s cheek before planting a kiss on her head. “What hurts baby? I need you to talk to me.”

“‘M just tired,” she mumbles, burying her face in Alyssa’s shirt.

Dee Dee comes back in with the fever reducers, and Alyssa has Emma take some with her water. “Alright baby, let’s go back to bed okay?”

Emma nods, letting Alyssa lead her back into the bedroom. She falls asleep nearly as soon as her head hits the pillow, and Alyssa untangles herself carefully so she can talk to Broadway actors. “How is she?” Dee Dee asks as soon as she enters the living room.

“Sick,” Alyssa sighs. “God, what was I thinking? She’s in no shape to be on this trip, I shouldn’t have forced all of this on her. She’s so overwhelmed and her body isn’t responding well and I-”

“Alyssa,” Barry puts his hand on her shoulders. “Take a deep breath for me darling.”

She takes a shaky breath, and Barry helps her sit down on the couch. Even so, she still finds that the room is spinning, and her breath is coming in shaky, raggedy gulps. Barry takes her hands and tries to go through the grounding routine with her, and eventually her breathing evens out to the point where she can talk. “I’m sorry,” she says shakily, curling into a ball on the couch.

“There’s no need to apologize darling,” he says softly. “You did nothing wrong. I think you might be a bit overtired, yes?”

She nods her head softly. Dee Dee helps her up, and carefully they make their way back into the guest room. When Alyssa lies down, Barry tucks her in and watches as Emma instinctively cuddles close to her. Their plans might be a dumpster fire right now, but at least the little lesbians were together.  
…  
“What the hell are you wearing?” Emma laughs as Trent enters the room to check on them.

“You asked for this,” he sasses, showing off his cape. “This is my costume.”

“I can’t go tonight,” she says, quietly this time. “I’m still running a fever, and Dr. Andrews says it isn’t good for me to be out. I’m sorry, you put on all of this stuff for me, and I ruined it.”

“Em, you didn’t ruin it,” he shakes his head. “We just had to adjust. Now, I unfortunately couldn’t get the entire cast of Shrek into this apartment, so we’ll be putting on a different show. I just chose to stay in costume. I’d wake up Alyssa if I were you, because it’s about to begin.”

Emma gently shakes her fiance awake, who seems excited by whatever the hell Trent is doing. Soon after, there’s a knock on the door. Trent opens it to reveal Barry in a suit. “Superintendent Chalmers,” Trent says excitedly. “Are you ready for the best luncheon?”

“Are they?” Alyssa whispers, not taking her eyes off of the scene.

“I think so,” Emma responds, giggling wildly.

During the scene, Trent pushes the dresser to the center of the room to use as the door to the kitchen, where he very loudly freaks out about the ham he’s burning. He climbs over a chair to signify climbing out of the window, a chair that falls over as he tries to climb back in. As the scene is coming to a close, the girls can hear Angie yell, “The house is on fire!” causing both of the girls to burst out laughing.

All four of the actors come into the room as the scene finishes, bowing for the girls. They applaud for them while laughing, before the actors all pull up chairs to sit by the bed. “We know it isn’t real Broadway,” Trent begins. “But we figured you could use some cheering up.”

“It definitely wasn’t real Broadway,” Emma laughs. “But it was so much better.”

It was at this moment that Emma realized maybe this trip wasn’t about all of the things they were going to do. With the Broadway stars grinning at her and Alyssa pressed into her side, she realizes this is about the people she’s spending it with. She decides right then that there is no one else in the entire world that she would rather spend her last three months on earth with.  
…  
“We have this whole house to ourselves?” Emma is in awe as she sets her bags down. 

“Yup,” Trent grins. “Still feeling alright?”

“Alright? I feel like I could take on the entire world right now.”

“Let’s not get ahead of ourselves,” Angie laughs, helping Alyssa sit down on the couch. “Your fiance here still hasn’t caught up on all the sleep she’s missed.”

Emma sits down next to her, pulling her into her lap. Alyssa snuggles close to her, closing her eyes softly. “You should go out and explore,” she mumbles sleepily. “I’m just gonna take a nap.”

“I don’t wanna leave you here by yourself,” Emma responds, kissing the top of her head.

“I’ll stay with her,” Angie offers, sitting next to the girls. “I’ll go ahead and start on dinner while you guys look around.”

“See? I won’t be alone,” Alyssa smiles, pecking Emma’s lips. “I’ll rest up so tomorrow I’ll be all ready for snorkeling tomorrow.”

“Okay,” Emma smiles a little at her.

When the other three Broadway stars and Emma walk out, Angie helps Alyssa into the bedroom the girls had claimed earlier while looking at the pictures Trent had shown them. Alyssa wishes she could just fall asleep, but instead she finds herself tossing and turning for what feels like forever.

“Can’t sleep?” She looks up to find Angie in the doorway.

Alyssa shakes her head, groaning as she sits up. Angie frowns and sits next to her, and the younger girl leans her head on her shoulder. “You’re worried aren’t you?” she guesses, and Alyssa nods. “Honey, I know this is scary.”

“I’m terrified,” Alyssa’s voice almost sounds like a little kid. “I know I’m going to lose her, and I don’t know how I’m supposed to cope with that.”

“You haven’t been sleeping, have you?” 

Alyssa shakes her head, making Angie sigh. “Darling, that’s not healthy,” she helps her lay down, and the younger girl lays her head in her lap.

“Can you sing?” Alyssa asks suddenly.

“What?”

“Sorry, that’s probably stupid and sudden, Emma just used to sing to me when I couldn’t sleep and I… I don’t know.”

“Hey, hey, I’ll sing for you,” she says softly, running her fingers through her hair. “I promise darling, I’ll keep you safe.”

Alyssa nods, closing her eyes as the Broadway star begins to sing. Once she is sure that the girl is asleep, she manages to carefully untangle herself and walk towards the kitchen, where she resumes making dinner. The other three stars as well as Emma come in nearly an hour later, bubbling with excitement. “Quiet please,” Angie warns. “I finally got Alyssa to go to sleep.”

“Is she okay?” Emma asks.

“She’s just really tired,” Angie responds, pulling her in for a hug. “She said she had trouble sleeping last night so we’re gonna let her sleep now, okay?”

Emma nods. The rest of the group eats dinner before turning in for the night. As she walks into the room, Emma finds that Alyssa is curled up, snoring softly as her chest rises and falls. She quickly changes into her pajamas before carefully climbing into bed, watching as Alyssa instinctively moves closer to her. Tonight, things are okay.  
…  
Emma is jittery the next day after their scuba trip. Alyssa is still pretty tired, but she’s forcing herself to stay awake as she watches her fiance jump around with every step. The six had decided to go out to the beach for the rest of the day, and Alyssa couldn’t help but grin as she watches her girlfriend practically leap from every step. 

“Alyssa,” Angie says cautiously as they approach the beach. “Just let one of us know when you’re ready to go back up to the house okay? I know you’re still exhausted.”

Alyssa nods, curling up on one of the beach chairs with a book. Something feels off and she can’t quite put her finger on what. She knows that she hasn't been sleeping well enough, but she’s never felt so tired before. It doesn’t take long for her to shut her eyes and fall fast asleep. 

“We need to talk,” Angie sighs, checking to make sure Alyssa is asleep. She knows she is when she hears the younger girl snoring. “Funeral arrangements.”

Barry frowns, and Dee Dee looks like she might cry. Trent stares off into the distance, watching as Emma swims in the water. “It’s becoming a reality huh?” he says after a few minutes.

“Only two months left,” Angie lets the tears in her eyes fall. “It doesn’t feel real, but it is. We have to be prepared.”

“Have you talked to Betsy?” Dee Dee asks.

“Yeah, I told her we would handle everything,” Angie responds. “She’s really messed up about the whole thing, and I don’t blame her. She said Emma’s parents are refusing to come to the funeral.”

“They don’t deserve to,” Barry begins to grow angry. “They weren’t here for her, they don’t get the luxury of mourning.”

The other actors agree, but stop talking as Emma comes back up into the sand. “Have a nice swim darling?” Angie asks, quickly wiping the tears out of her eyes.

“The water’s so relaxing,” she grins. “Is ‘Lys okay?”

“I’m fine,” Alyssa mumbles, sitting up in her chair.

“How long have you been awake?” Angie asks, worried she might have overheard their talk of the funerals. She knew that Alyssa was terrified of all of this, and talking about those kind of things only made it worse. She didn’t want the young girl to have to worry about anything.

“Just a minute,” she shrugs, stretching her limbs. “Hey, Em?”

“What?”

She stands up suddenly. “Race you to the water!”

The two begin sprinting towards the water, and the Broadway actors laugh as they begin to splash each other when they get there. Dee Dee pulls her in for a side hug. “Let’s put a pin in that conversation, yeah? For right now the girls are fine, and everything is okay. Let’s let it be okay.”

“Okay.”  
…  
“Where’s Alyssa?” Emma is shaking from head to toe, backstage at the theater that Dee Dee had her manager set up for them to use.

“She’s in the bathroom darling,” Dee Dee rushes over to her. “What’s wrong?”

“I… I-”

“Emma?” Alyssa comes rushing towards her. “Hey sorry, what’s going on?”

“I can’t do it,” she’s shaking so badly that Alyssa is afraid she’s going to have a seizure. “I can’t perform in front of all of these people. I don’t know what I was thinking.”

“Em, you’ve got this,” Alyssa pulls her in for a hug. “Breathe for me honey.”

She helps her fiance go through her grounding routine, calming her to the point of being able to speak again. “What if I go out into the audience?” she asks suddenly.

“Huh?”

“I’ll sit in the middle so you can actually see me. You can pretend that it’s just you and me in the dorm room again. Focus on me.”

Emma nods, and Alyssa gives her a quick kiss before heading off to get a seat. It’s only a few minutes later that she’s set to go on, and when she walks on stage the whole audience applauds. Even so, there’s only one person she can see: Alyssa. “Um hi,” she steps up to the microphone, wincing at the feedback it gives. “My name’s Emma Nolan. Some of you might know me as the girl who fought for her right to a prom, and others of you might know me as the girl who's battling cancer. Either way, you’re here for a reason, I believe we all are.”

She pauses, and she swears that she can see the fire in Alyssa’s eyes telling her _this is your moment._

“I wrote this song for my fiance a long time ago,” she laughs. “Well, actually, it wasn’t even a year ago, but it feels like it was. I call this Unruly Heart.”

By the end of the song, the audience is on their feet again, screaming as she finishes. She plays a few more originals and a couple of covers before walking off of the stage. She runs into the Broadway stars arms as soon as the audience can’t see her, and she feels her eyes brimming with tears as she sees Alyssa. “Baby, you were amazing!” she tries to look into the brunette’s eyes, but she seems to be seeing double. “Emma? Emma!”

She doesn’t know what’s happening, but suddenly instead of kissing her girlfriend, she’s kissing the floor.


	13. Life’s No Dress Rehearsal

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> My hand slipped

“Dr. Andrews what is going on?” Angie has Alyssa in her arms, sobbing, as they rush into the hospital after Emma passed out. 

“We’re gonna run some tests,” he has a grim face on. “But it isn’t looking good. I promise we’re doing everything we can.”

Angie nods, and he leads them to the waiting room where they can sit. No one gives them any weird looks as Alyssa sobs loudly, they all understand. That’s the only good thing about the hospital, everyone knows there’s a reason to cry.

“Hey,” Alyssa looks up to see the other three Broadway stars staring back at her, Barry being the one who spoke. “Alyssa, honey, we stopped by the dorm to grab some stuff, we figured we would be here overnight. I got your blanket and your pillow, oh and Roscoe! I did remember to grab them.”

Alyssa reaches her hands out for the bear, and as soon as she has them snuggles them close to her chest. Angie sighs as she reaches out to run her fingers through Alyssa’s hair, positioning the pillow on her lap so she can lie down. Trent covers her with the blanket, and Dee Dee rubs her back until she falls asleep. “What if she… what if she’s dying?” Barry asks suddenly, tears leaking from his eyes.

“Don’t,” Angie puts her hand up, but she too is crying. “We can’t think like that.”

Betsy walks into the waiting room a few minutes later, tears streaming down her face. The Broadway stars welcome her with open arms, but they’re all careful not to wake up Alyssa. It’s nearly an hour later that a nurse comes in and calls for them. She ushers them into an office, where Dr. Andrews is sitting at his desk, his leg bouncing as he reads over a file in front of him. “Emma’s cancer spread, we didn’t detect it as quickly as I would have liked us to.”

“What are you saying?” Dee Dee is the first one to speak.

“There is no easy way to say this,” he sighs. “She’s dying, her cells are attacking the cancer and trying to stop it but it’s only wearing her out. You need to say your goodbyes.”

“No, no, no!” Alyssa screams so loudly that she’s sure everyone in the city can hear her. “We’re supposed to have more time, we’re supposed to get married! You said we had another month!”

Barry has to physically restrain her from jumping onto the desk and attacking the poor doctor, but eventually she just turns and sobs into his chest. Everyone in the room is crying, even Dr. Andrews has tears brimming at his eyes. “Can we see her?” Alyssa sniffles, her voice hoarse from her sobs.

“Yes of course,” he says, ushering them towards her room.

Emma is staring at the ceiling, a mask over her face helping her breathing. She doesn’t look up when anyone enters the room, but when she feels Alyssa’s hand take her own she moves her head to stare at her. “Did they tell you?” she whispers, her voice almost inaudible because of the mask.

“Yeah, they did baby,” Alyssa kneels next to her bed, softly caressing her cheek. “How are you feeling?”

“I ruined everything,” she says softly. “We never got to get married.”

Alyssa’s face falls, and she leans down to kiss the blond’s forehead. “That doesn’t matter baby,” she whispers. “I don’t need to get married to know that I want to spend forever with you.”

“But that was supposed to happen,” now Emma is crying. “We were supposed to get married and live together and be happy!”

“Hey,” Barry says suddenly. “You two can still get married.”

“How?”

“I just texted backup, they’re bringing the rings. Trent’s a licensed minister, he can marry you two.”

“You mean it?” Emma tries to sit up, but the room starts spinning and she has to lie back down again.

“I’m serious,” he responds. “Just hold on my sweet little lesbian.”

A few minutes later, the door opens suddenly, and the girls are shocked to see who it is with the rings. “Kaylee? Shelby?”

“Hey,” Shelby hands Barry the box. “We got them just like you asked.”

“These are the ones we picked out,” Alyssa breathes, staring at the open box. “But how? I told you we didn’t have the money to-”

“We handled it,” Kaylee smiles softly. “You two shouldn’t have to worry about shit like this. Now go, marry your girl.”

Alyssa nods, walking towards Emma’s bed. They slowly raise her bed so that she’s sitting up, and Trent begins the ceremony. “We are gathered here today to celebrate the holy matrimony between Alyssa Greene and Emma Nolan,” Trent starts, glancing at each girl. “Today is a very special day that will live on in all of our hearts for the rest of our lives. Barry, could you bring me the rings?”

Barry hands him the box, wiping a tear from his eye as he steps back. He hands one to Emma, and she begins to speak. “Alyssa, I’ve dreamt of this day since our junior year of high school. It means everything to me that I get to spend the rest of my life with someone as amazing and as special as you.”

He then hands Alyssa her ring, and she begins to speak. “Emma, you and I have been together for so long that I don’t know how to picture my life without you. _I don’t want to picture my life without you._ It’s been a crazy, scary ride, but you’ve always been there for me. I love you so, so much.”

Both of the girls slip the rings on each other’s fingers. “Emma Nolan,” Trent begins. “Do you take Alyssa Greene to be your wedded wife, to have and to hold, from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish, till death do you part?”

“I do,” she whispers, tears in her eyes threatening to spill.

“And do you Alyssa Greene,” he turns back to the brunette. “Take Emma Nolan to be your wedded wife, to have and to hold, from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish, till death do you part?”

“I do,” she leans into her fiance, pressing their bodies together.

“Then, by the power vested in me, I now pronounce you wife and wife. You may now kiss your bride.”

The room applauds as Alyssa carefully removes her mask, before taking Emma’s face and kissing her softly. “I am pleased to be the first to introduce you to Mrs. and Mrs. Greene-Nolan!” Trent announces, and Alyssa pulls Emma close while putting her mask back on.

“I love you so much,” she whispers.

“I love you too.”

“Fuck yeah?”

“Fuck yeah.”  
…  
12:46 a.m. Alyssa is jolted out of her peaceful daydream about her wife when the line goes flat. They try to bring her back with everything from chest compressions to electricity, but it’s no use. She’s gone. Emma Nolan is dead.

It doesn’t feel real for Alyssa, and she spends the next couple of days disconnected from reality. She doesn’t eat, she barely sleeps, the only comfort she finds is putting on one of Emma’s sweatshirts and letting the smell consume her. She pretends the girl has her arms wrapped around her and that she is just waking up from a nightmare.

But she never wakes up.

The funeral is nice. It’s small and quiet, the kind of thing Emma would have wanted for her funeral. She never liked being in the spotlight much. Alyssa shows up in a black hoodie that used to belong to her wife, and she tries to pay attention as all of the Broadway stars speak. She was supposed to give a eulogy, but she can’t bring herself to do it. She gets on stage and bursts into tears. This can’t be real.

When Betsy speaks, she can hear the tiredness in her voice, the way it wavers with every word. She wonders if she too has had trouble sleeping. She wonders if she too had turned down the food Kaylee and Shelby had brought over, or rejected the actors in their attempts to bring comfort. Alyssa didn’t want comfort. She wanted Emma.

Eventually, it’s time to lower the casket into the ground. Down there, she doesn’t look real. Alyssa wishes this could have been anyone else’s funeral. Hell, she would have let it be her own if she could just get one last moment with Emma. Everyone begins to throw flowers towards the casket, but Alyssa waits. When there is only one flower left she tosses it, finally letting the tears fall again.

_”Till death do us part.”_


	14. Epilogue

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> my hand slipped part 2

December 23, 2:46 pm. Alyssa checks the mail one last time before driving up to New York. The Broadway stars were letting her stay with them over Christmas because all she wanted to do was get away from Edgewater. Everything reminded her of Emma, and not in a good way.

There’s a letter in the mail addressed to her without a return address. She takes this letter and stuffs it into her pocket, before bringing the rest of the mail in to her mother. “Anything interesting?” she asks.

“Nope,” Alyssa responds, hoping that her voice doesn’t waver. Even if it did, she could just blame it on the fact that she was getting emotional before Christmas. It wasn’t technically a lie. “I’m gonna go make sure I have everything before I head out.”

“Okay dear.”

Alyssa makes her way to her room, shutting the door behind her. She doesn’t have a lot of time before her mother will get suspicious, but she also wants to savor every word. She sits on her bed and carefully begins to open the letter, tears filling her eyes as she does.

_Dear ‘Lys,_

_I know things are probably really hard right now. I want you to know that I love you so, so much. I don’t know how to put into words how I feel about you, but I need you to know that there is no one on the entire planet that I would have rather spent the rest of my life with. You are my everything Alyssa Greene. You are my sun, my moon, and all of my stars. Every time I think about you I get butterflies, even after all this time._

_How are the actors? I wish I could have spent more of my life with them. They took care of me when the rest of the world felt like it had turned its back on me. You should keep this letter, but let them read this part okay? Angie and Dee Dee were like the two parts of the mother I always wanted. Angie was concerned and always cared about my feelings, she always wanted to make sure everything was okay. Dee Dee was honest with me, but she always made sure that I knew she loved me, and that my fashion sense was atrocious… but I mean, can you blame her? My fashion sense was basically “How do I scream at the world that I like girls?” Barry and Trent were always like father figures too. They were there when I got fitted for my first suit, hell they’re kind of the reason I finally felt confident to wear one. I hope they’re there for you too._

_I’m running out of paper, so I’ll try to make this quick. Alyssa Greene, you deserve love. You deserve someone who loves you as much as you love them too. You deserve someone who loves you as much as I did, and I loved you so, so much ‘Lys. God this is why I wrote a different note to Grandma, I knew I would use all my paper talking about you. Everything from your smile to your laugh to the way you crinkle your nose when you get excited, I love all of that. I love the way that you dyed your when we were in eighth grade, and the way you dance like the rest of the world isn’t there. I love the way you kissed me under the bleachers when we were in the closet, and the way you kissed me in front of everyone at our prom. I love the way that you learned how to stand up for yourself. I love every single thing about you._

_Most importantly, though, you deserve to live Alyssa. I know that I’m not there to remind you everyday, but reread this letter as often as you need to. You. Deserve. Life. Every breath you take is deserved, every time you cry or smile or laugh is deserved. Please, don’t stop this amazing journey you have going because of me. You know if I was there I wouldn’t want you to._

_Merry Christmas, ‘Lys. Please open presents, eat Grandma’s famous gingerbread cookies, and sit by the fire with the actors for me. Oh! Speaking of presents, you may want to look in this envelope. There’s a reason I had it sent in one of these weird orange package-envelopes instead of one of the pretty red and green ones._

_With Much Love,_

_Emma_

Alyssa lets the tears fall from her face as gently sets the letter aside, before pulling out a key-chain. There’s a picture of the two of them in Santa hats, standing in front of a background. She recognizes it as the one they took at the World of Snowmen, right before they had gone into the post office. Etched onto the back of it is a message. _I love you so forever -Emma_

“I love you too,” she whispers, and everything is quiet again.


	15. The Alternate Ending

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> hi i love you guys

“I don’t know how to tell you this,” Dr. Andrews smiles at them. “We found an emergency donor. Someone came in like half an hour ago, actually like ten people came. They said they had seen Emma on some show or something and wanted to help.”

“Oh my god,” Alyssa’s eyes fill with tears. 

“Emma is being prepped for surgery as we speak,” he says. “There are no guarantees, as you learned with last time, but I have a good feeling about this one.”

Everyone nods, and he tells them that Emma won’t be out of surgery until the morning, so they might as well go home. They all decide to camp out in the dorm room, which really isn’t made to be holding all of them, but none of them care. 

Alyssa sleeps in Dee Dee’s arms, her own arms wrapped around Roscoe tightly. She wears one of Emma’s hoodies, something about the way it smells is calming. She thinks that maybe if she can feel like Emma’s there then she’ll be okay through this surgery. 

By the time morning comes, Alyssa is fighting nausea in her stomach with the thoughts of what is to come. What if it didn't work? What if she didn’t make it through? There’s so much that could have gone wrong.

“Alyssa, honey,” Barry puts an arm around her as they walk toward Dr. Andrews’ office. “Take a deep breath for me sweetheart.”

She nods, breathing deeply as they finally reach it. Dr. Andrews is grinning from ear to ear. “She did wonderful,” he immediately begins to lead them towards her recovery room. “Now, same deal as last time. We have to wait a couple of weeks to learn whether or not it was successful, but it seemed like a really good match.”

They all nod as they finally reach Emma’s room. She’s sitting up slightly, and she smiles as they walk in, though it’s hard to see with the oxygen mask on. Alyssa is quick to pull up a chair as close as she can, taking Emma’s hand in her own. “Hey,” she whispers hoarsely. “I missed you.”

“I missed you too,” Alyssa agrees, kissing the top of her head. “How’re you feeling?”

“Honestly, kind of like I got hit by a bus,” she responds, leaning into Alyssa’s hand. “Please don’t move, your hand is cool.”

“I won’t,” she smiles at her. “I love you so much.”

“I love you more.”

“I love you most.”

The actors smile as the girls stare into each other’s eyes, and Alyssa pecks her cheek. “Get some sleep baby, tomorrow is a whole new day.”

A whole new day, and Emma is still in it.  
…  
“Is this really happening?” Emma shakes her hands as they begin to sweat. “Oh god, oh god, what do I say?”

“Emma, darling,” Angie takes her hands, and she looks into the older woman’s eyes. “It doesn’t matter what you say, Alyssa loves you so much. She’s been waiting for this moment forever.”

Emma nods, taking a deep breath. Barry comes to get her, just as the music is beginning to play. “We had two bridal songs,” he grins. “Well, one, but the pianist is gonna double the length. Are you ready?”

She nods, looping her arm in his, and they begin to walk towards the altar. Tears in both of their eyes, leaves her at the front, giving her a quick hug before letting go. He then sits with Angie and Dee Dee. Only a minute later Alyssa begins her trip, her arm looped with Trent’s. It almost seems like he’s crying more than her.

Emma couldn’t recall a time when the girl walking towards her looked more beautiful. Her white dress fit her perfectly, flowing into a long train that dragged behind her. It reminded her of prom night, the way she couldn’t wait to get to kiss the most gorgeous girl in the world. Unlike prom night, however, she isn’t scared this time. Not anymore.

Everyone sits as Trent finally gives Alyssa away, and she joins hands with Emma. “We are gathered here today to celebrate the marriage of Alyssa Greene and Emma Nolan,” the minister begins. “However, I believe I heard that today is a bit of a special day, care to share?”

Emma grins. “Today marks a full year since I’ve been in remission.”

There are a few cheers from the audience and as it quiets down, the minister continues. “Today is a special day,” she says. “Not only for the winning fight against cancer, but for the joining of two hearts. Today will live on as a day that no one here will soon forget. Young man, may I please have the rings?”

Emma’s little cousin proudly presents them to her, and she hands one to Emma. “Ms. Nolan, do you take Alyssa Greene to be your wedded wife, to have and to hold, from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish, till death do you part?”

“I do,” Emma grins, and Alyssa swears her smile illuminates the entire beach.

“And Ms. Greene,” she continues. “Do you take Emma Nolan to be your wedded wife, to have and to hold, from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish, till death do you part?”

“I do,” Alyssa crinkles her nose she’s so excited, which makes Emma’s smile only grow wider.

“Well then, by the power vested in me, I now pronounce you wife and wife, you may kiss your bride!”

Their family and friends cheer as they close the gap between their lips. Emma would remember this moment for the rest of her life. This moment would be the one that saved everything. Every fight, every mental breakdown, every time the thought even crossed her mind that she had made a mistake, she would remember this moment right here, with her lips pressed against Alyssa’s. Because cancer could try, but it couldn’t take her girl away from her.

“It is my pleasure to introduce for the very first time, Mrs. and Mrs. Greene-Nolan!”

So here she was again, at the top of the ferris wheel, staring at her entire world. This world was a little broken, and there were definitely some adjustments coming, but it would all be worth it. No matter what the world threw at them, cancer, sickness, debt, they could handle it, so long as they were together. “I won’t hide if you’re by my side,” Alyssa whispers, connecting her lips to Emma’s one more time.

She loved every single person who was there, for they had all played a role in making her perfect day... well perfect. Angie, who had taken Alyssa dress shopping when her mother had fallen ill the day of the appointment. Dee Dee, who had fussed over dinner menus and DJs and everything in the reception afterward. Trent, who had taken Emma herself suit shopping for the perfect one, getting her fitted in something that truly screamed her name. Barry, who had picked out the venue, the flowers, and made every little detail worth it. Kaylee, who had sold them the rings that now meant so, so much to them. And Shelby, especially Shelby, for she had been the true reason she was there. She had donated the most important thing of all.

The bone marrow. 

She meant those words she had said. _“Till death do us part.”_ Well, death could take a vacation, because he had a hell of a long time to wait.


End file.
